Ok, I want to say first that I’m a humanist, Mr B is an atheist and we both believe very much in people, whatever their faith, beliefs or culture etc.

But, I was brought up in a catholic family and my daughter goes to the local catholic school.  At the minute we’re busy getting ready for her to make her 1st Holy Communion, so, while I am not much of a practising catholic(I don’t go to church much), I do believe in God.

But,

there are so many things the church does that I find offensive and well, a bit mad really, such as being anti-gay, anti-contraceptive (especially with the aids epidemic), and punishing people who are unlucky enough to have to go through divorce.

When Mr B and I decided to get married, we had to go to church marriage classes and get special dispensation from the pope as it was to be a ‘mixed marriage’. 

“What like a man and a woman?” Mr B joked, but no, they meant because I was catholic and he wasn’t.

 When we arrived for our first class we were shown into a large shabby room with about 30 other couples.

5 minutes later a bearded old man came out and began his ‘teaching.’

 With the first words that left his mouth he lost us and we spent the rest of the class taking the p**** like naughty school kids at the back of the class ‘cos we realised he was talking well-meaning bollocks.

 And what was it that left us so totally gob-smacked?

It was the following statement…

Old man: (In a kind of creepy over enthusiastic voice) “As we all know ladies and gentlemen, us men are not always very clean.  We don’t tend to wash unless we really have to.”

Well that made us look up in surprise, then at each other with eyebrows raised.

Old man:  “Ahh, but ladies, there is a way around this.  Encourage your husband to bathe with you.  Bathing together will keep intinacy in the marriage and make it much more pleasant to do so.”

HOW RUDE!

I will state firmly right now that Mr B baths or showers at least once a day, never turns his pants inside out to get another days wear out of them, and brushes his teeth regularly without needing reminding.

He smells as sweet as a very manly rose and I wouldn’t have fancied him if he was in the slightest bit wiffy.  I’m sure he would say the same about me – except for the manly rose bit.

 I think Mr Beardy was just feeling a bit randy, or perhaps he himself disliked baths (maybe due to an unfortunate paddling pool/slurry pit incident as a child.)  But it meant we never went back to class as the rest of the session was equally patronising and odd.

 The local priest (who is now happily married with 3 kids) said we didn’t need to go again and could just come and have a chat with him for the next few weeks instead thank God.  We’d been living together for 6 years beforehand anyway so I don’t think we needed some stranger explaining to us about relationships and commitment.

So,

why am I sending my kid to a catholic school?

I know, I know, sometimes I’m unsure, but it’s a good school, and I do want her to learn about God and about her family’s traditions, but it will always be her choice and Mr B and I will always give her a balanced view and encourage her to believe that basically we should all look after each other and be the best we can be, whatever our race colour or creed.

 Cue music, angels,  “..and a baby was born.”

It’s funny with kids though, ‘cos we grown ups think we’re making all these important choices for them, and really alot of it goes over their heads.

E.g.

We used to sing, ‘Beef burgers, beef is the gift of Christ our Lord.’ instead of ‘Peace. perfect peace is the gift of Christ our Lord.’

We used to think God was actually his surname, as everyone used to chorus, “Thanks Peter God.” When really it was “Thanks be to God.”

And my friends little boy asked his mummy why they kept talking about a cheese slice at school, when it was actually Jesus Christ.

So my kids are probably praying to a big smelly processed cheese square in the sky that goes by the name of Peter.

And who’s to say they’re wrong?