Ok, I’m about to pose a big question.

Not a small question like,

Why do monks do that weird thing with their hair?

Not a medium question like,

Why can’t I do the crab anymore?

But a big question.

A question that is to do with pain and suffering,  fear and loathing, and indeed life and death to some people.

Ok.

Are you ready?  (That wasn’t the question.)

This is it.

Wasps. Why?

What is the point of their existence?

“Aha,” say all you insect/garden loving science type people out there. 

“They have their place in the finely balanced world of nature.”   (This bit is still you.)

Well, I knew you’d come up with that one, so I did a bit of research…

“Wasps as friends - are extremely beneficial animals. They feed their young on a wide range of invertebrates and in so doing help to control many insect pests. They also visit flowers and therefore help in pollination.”

(Keele University Arboretum 2007 )

Ok, first of all, here is a definition of the word friend,

1. a person attached to another by feelings or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile

From this I’d like to pull out, ‘personal regard’, ‘assistance’ and ‘not hostile.’

1. You do not show personal regard by pointing your butt at someone and injecting them with a poison that could possibly bring about their demise.

2. Stinging someone assists them in no other way than maybe taking their mind off any other injuries or worries thay may have at the time.

e.g. 

Person:  “Oh no, I think I may have lost a fiver.”

Wasp: ” Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
Translation – “How about a sting sandwich?”

Person:  “Ahhhh, who cares about the fiver?  I’m going into anaphylactic shock. ”

3.  not hostile.  Hmmm, isn’t causing pain, terror and death just a little bit hostile??

Secondly, they might kill other insects to feed their babies (which is by the way, grim), but I disagree on the pollination thing.

I mean, when do they get chance to do that?

They spend most of their time buzzing round bins, jam sandwiches and small children with ice lollies?

I’ll give you an example.

My 6 year old, Miss E Beaufoix, has developed a phobia.

She is terrified of wasps.

This is because she had a wasp/eyelid incident on her second birthday at the local farm park which she has never forgotten.

Picture the scene….

It’s late afternoon in the middle of August.

The scent of flowers, exasperated parents and pig dung flavours the still ,warm air.

E has just had her face painted for the first time and is sporting a bright blue butterfly mask.

We’re on our way back to the carpark.

It is boiling hot,  so we buy E an ice lolly to eat in the car.  (Not a good idea some of you might say, but it is her 2nd birthday so we’re pulling out all the stops…!)

Then disaster strikes…

Wasp:  “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Bzz, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  Bzzzzzzzz.
BZZZZZZZZZZ.”

Which translated means;  ” Your lolly or your eye young female.  Put the sucker down.  Oh, so you’re not playing ball.  Have at thee.  Take that small person.” )

E:  “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

Wasp: “BZZZZZZZ.  BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZZZZ.  BZZZZ, BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”
Translation; “Unhand me you thug.  Your swatting cannot harm me,  my wings are like a shield of steel.  I’m off, I don’t like fab lollies anyway.”

By the time we get home, E’s beautiful butterfly mask has been washed from her face (by tears) and ends up as a kind of  dribbly blue scarf .

The only thing she now remembers about her 2nd birthday is that a wasp stung her on her eyelid and it hurt.

That wasp not only blights her memories, but has also led to unnecessary phobias about other unrelated small flying things such as bees, moths, butterflies and the common fly.

This means we have a difficult few months ahead of us as we try to coax E outside into the world beyond our front door.

So, back to my original question,

Wasps.  Why?
Wasps spoil picnics, birthdays, BBQs and indeed every kind of summer outdoor activity

They create terror in both the young and the old.

They can injure or kill you.

They can’t do anything good that bees aren’t already doing (and bees are much cuter.)

So, lets vote them off the planet now.

Be gone annoying stripey jumpered little gits.  Leave this place.