Ok.
Picture the scene.
I’m having a Virgin Vie Beauty Products party.
It’s a proper girlie night.
Mr B has escaped to his friends and Miss E is staying up for a makeover as an end of holiday treat. (When I say make-over I mean a bit of lippy and eye shadow, not the whole Dame Barbara Cartland look.)
My friend Clare is our Virgin Vie Lady and she brings loads of gorgeous products to try as well as giving me a facial and an amazing hand massage with an exfoliation and a fabulous moisturising treatment.
It is bliss.
We have to watch our language/discussion topics as Miss E is there, but as all of us, except my mate Lu and my sister-in-law Sarah, have small children, the conversation inevitably turns to toilets and toileting, and rests for a while at the question posed by Lu,
‘What do you teach them to call their private parts?’
We all have tales of what our parents have taught us, from ‘tuppence’ to ‘mary’ to ‘johnson’ to ‘taily’, I’m sure you can add more…
Lucy: “How do you know what the right thing to say is?”
We all agree you just kind of have to go with what you think is the simplest, the least cringeworthy, but also the ones grandparents and teachers will find acceptable.
Amazingly we seem to all have agreed on similar names, things like; your ‘bits’, your ‘front bum’ or your ‘willy’.
And we’re kind of all laughing in a knowing, self congratulatory way, when suddenly a little voice pipes up from under the table…
“Anyway, you’re all wrong. It’s a vagina.”
I look at my friends, eyebrows raised, and stifle a laugh.
Me: “Wow. You’re right E. How do you know that?”
Miss E: “We did it at school And boys have a penis and some googlies.”
I cough.
Me: “Yes, penis is right, I’m not so sure about googlies, but penis is definitely right. Well done. Let’s get you up to bed now sweetie. Say na-night to everyone.”
We leave the room and I hear giggles as I lead my 7 year old up to her bed.
I kiss her goodnight and tuck her in, and check on Miss M who is cuddling her Upsy Daisy Doll possessively.
And I think, blimey, they know so much more than we did.
I don’t think we dared speak the words ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ till we were about 15, and even then it was with blushes and giggles.
When I get back downstairs there are grins all round and nods of, ‘well, she’s right.’
It’s good she doesn’t feel worried about saying these words. They’re just body parts after all.
I’m hoping she won’t teach them to Miss M yet though.
Grandma might get a bit of a shock at that.
I’m ok with ‘googlies’.
The other two can wait a little longer.
At least till Mr B and I can say them without colouring up…
September 1st, 2007 at 1:56 pm
That was so funny Jo, you have to have your wits about you when you’re dealing with such smart children, they won’t be fobbed off.
Barbara Cartland was a one-off wasn’t she.
September 1st, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Miss E keeps putting us to the test Walksfarwoman.
And yes, Barbara Cartland was odd, a little scary, but amazing too.
September 1st, 2007 at 2:51 pm
‘Baby hole’ worked for a while with my eldest 2 when I was pregnant with no.3. Sadly, no more.
And you never can look at your kids the same way once they’ve waggled a Tampax in your face and asked exactly what is it and where does it go. Ho hum.
September 1st, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Hilarious…until it happens to me. I’ve already had the “mummy why don’t you have a winky?” Thankfully they were happy with “it’s just too tiny for you to see” ;-D
September 1st, 2007 at 3:05 pm
LOL this is a great blog subject. I love to see the different terms. I wonder if it varies according to country or region.
I know that her on the west coast of the US it is taught to tell your children the correct terms. I do find it hard to tell my 2 year old it is a vagina, but I have. She luckily doesn’t talk about it much. When she was and infant I called that whole area her Hiney-vaginey. I have stopped. LOL
I sort of like the idea of calling it her “lady business”.
I dont’ know…it really is a hard thing.
September 1st, 2007 at 3:21 pm
English Mum, Arghhhh, tampax.
I was talking to my friend yesterday and we were thinking we may have to have the ‘period’ conversation sooner than we thought.
I know it will be fine, but I want E to be innocent and unknowing for just a little bit longer.
Childhood goes so fast these days.
21st Century Mummy that is also hilarious. Winky is another one we talked about.
LOL.
Lady Business is good. I suppose we should all get used to ‘vagina’ but it just seems so medical to me.
Ahh well
I’ll get over it.
September 1st, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Early one morning, when my number three was about 6, he wandered into the bathroom blearily trying to stuff his morning stiffie (do all men do that?) back into his pj’s and said ‘ daddy, what is it causes my inflations again?’ My husband and I have used the word ever since.
September 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
I see you have tried to out ‘picture’ me with Upsy Daisy! This is war Beaufoix. You have attacked my site with WHY comments. I will take my revenge!!!!!!!
September 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm
I
September 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm
said
September 1st, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I will
September 1st, 2007 at 3:51 pm
take my
September 1st, 2007 at 3:51 pm
revenge!
September 1st, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Ha ha ha
September 1st, 2007 at 3:52 pm
he he he!!!
September 1st, 2007 at 3:54 pm
My Upsy Daisy moves!!!!
September 1st, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Yours does not!
September 1st, 2007 at 5:00 pm
googlies!!
September 1st, 2007 at 6:38 pm
be grateful she didn’t give you a detailed description of how each part works…
September 1st, 2007 at 9:48 pm
That is hilarious. A year ago, my then three year old told me her brother hit her in the ‘frotch’. Riiiiight.
And I read from your profile you are a Brit from across the pond? Now you are a favorite read. I love all things Brit, it’s in my blood. No, really, my great gran was a Brit.
September 2nd, 2007 at 5:37 am
LOL! Now why is it that kids ears work so exceptionally well when we really don’t want them to? Once kids you the proper terms, you sit around praying they won’t go off teaching them to all the other kids they know. At least I do.
September 2nd, 2007 at 5:38 am
That should be once kids KNOW the proper terms…
September 2nd, 2007 at 10:18 am
Hi @themill. Welcome. ‘Inflation’ that is so funny.
And well, they kind of are in a way I suppose.
LOL.
Ingenious stop. Step away from the computer.
I only posted the ‘Whys’ after your earlier attack on this post…
http://www.jobeaufoix.com/2007/08/23/awards-and-an-interesting-question/
Now I feel I can no longer participate in this exchange as it seems to have sent you a little off kilter and I don’t want to cause more harm to one so afflicted
You are in our thoughts dear Ingenious.
Get better soon.
Alasdair this is all your fault, you have created an Ingenious Monster.
Cami, I know. Googlies.
RC, I was going to put ‘Yes RC, I’m so glad she doesn’t know the ins and outs of it all yet’. Then I thought, nooooooooooooooo.
Then I did it anyway.
Ha.
Emmasome welcome. ‘Frotch’ now that is hilarious.
Bellevelma I hadn’t even thought of that.
Now I have a vision of my 3 year old niece telling her Nursery teacher all about it…
September 2nd, 2007 at 7:11 pm
HAHAHAHA. Go, Miss E!!!
September 2nd, 2007 at 8:13 pm
What would you teach your 7 year old boy to call his testicles when he had to have an emergency operation on them? Full of the drama of unexpected hospital visit, he was looking forward to telling the class (oh, the sweet unembarrassed innocence of youth). As it happened, a long week-end followed the surgery, and by the time they were all back to school, nobody remembered that he had had a day off, and he didn’t get the opportunity to tell anyone. We had plumped for “testicles” (that sounds an unfortunate turn of phrase somehow), but it sounded a bit medical from a 7 year old – but then it was a medical situation.
I can’t believe I am writing comments about testicles. What has my life come to?
September 3rd, 2007 at 1:45 am
Brillig, I know, it was like we were the kids and she was the adult. LOL.
Iota, I think I’d have probably gone for testicles too. Hope he’s OK. I bet he was gutted not to be able to tell his gruesome tale. Hmmm, another unfortunate turn of phrase…