I was worrying about what to write today after yesterday, but the wondrous Brillig and Amy at The Butrfly Garden have started off a little OB/GYN fest and having read theirs, RC’s and Jen’s I thought I’d play too.

We don’t really have OB/GYN to the extent you lot over the pond seem to. We have smears every couple of years, and you can go to your Doctor if you have any worries or concerns, but generally, it is only during pregnancy that we have to lie down and think of wall paper, what to make for tea, thimbles, or in fact anything that will take your mind off the nurse or occasionally doctor who is peering between your legs and poking at you with cold metal things, saying, “Just reeelaaaax.” a lot.

My last smear was awful.

Did it hurt?

Was there a plethora of eager students peering at my parts?

Did I Fart?

No,

none of the above, but there was a small baby in her pram, and a four and a half year old trying her best to get a peep.

It was one of those times when Mr B was at work and my mum was away, so the mini Beaufoix’s had to accompany me.

Before we went in I said to Miss E,

Me: Mummy’s just going to have a check up so I need you to sit with M and not move because she needs to be able to see you if she wakes up or she might be scared.”

Miss E: “OK Mummy.”

Me: “It’s very important E. Mummy will be behind a curtain but I’ll be right there.”

Miss E: OK Mummy, will I get a sticker?”

So they call our name, we go in the room, and a kindly nurse who looks to be in her late fifties and has a dark moustache asks me to slip off my things and lay down on the bench.

She pulls the curtain around me and chats to E as I ready myself.

She does that thing where they talk about other stuff to keep their your mind off what’s happening.

Nurse: “How old is your baby?”

Me: (Trying to sound calm and collect as I hear the clink of equipment) “Erm, 5 months…”

Nurse: “Is she good?”

I bet there are certain subjects they avoid,

I mean, the questions we ask when making general chit chat are usually based on a person’s appearance right?

e.g.

Who cut’s your hair, it’s lovely?
So you’re not a natural blonde then?
You can’t beat M&S for undies can you?

The ‘chit chat’ kind of peters out and I take a deep breath as she gets on with it, when suddenly I hear the curtain sweep back and Miss E shouts,

Miss E: I’m four and a half and M is my little sister and Mummy let’s me hold her sometimes and what are you doing Mummy?

Me: “Arghhhhhhhhhh.”

I am completely helpless and trying to grab Miss E’s arm to keep her up the head end of the procedure, but of course all the other stuff is happening at the other end.

Me: “E, you need to go check on M babes.”

Trying to stay calm I hold onto her arm and try to shield myself from two big blue eyes that are darting in every direction in an attempt to get a good look.

Ignoring my pleas for her to check on her sleeping sibling we wrestle like that for a while, while Nurse ‘nice-lady-with-moustache’ chatters away nonchalantly, finishes up and allows me to sit up and dress.

My cheeks a flame I wash my hands, check on Miss M and bundle E into her coat all the time listening to her saying,

Miss E: “What were you doing Mummy? Did it hurt? Can I have a sticker now?”

Needless to say I will never be having any kind of physical examination again with a small child in the room, unless I have just given birth to them.

P.S. Realy struggled for a title here given my previous, erm, tendencies…

These were possibles…

• Open wide
• Say ahhhh
• Lie back and think of England
• Behind the curtains

I think I did ok in the end. No innuendo there right??