I’m a little late with David’s question this week, probably because I knew I would shed a few tears writing this. But I did it, and I’m glad. David asked, ‘Do you say ‘I love you’, often enough?’
When I was little I was one of those kids who needed a lot of love.
I know, I know, all kids need a lot of love, but I suppose what I mean is that I needed the cuddles and closeness and touch more than perhaps my siblings did.
Although I was in a loving family, we didn’t say “I love you” very often. It just wasn’t done, it wasn’t in our script, even though it was very much in our hearts.
The first time I said the words out loud was when I was 11 years old. My Gran was ill. She’d been ill for a little while, and something in me knew that it was serious. After a short visit in January 1987, a visit where my lovely, energetic, bubbly Gran sat tired and somehow smaller in her chair, as I went to kiss her goodbye the words somehow fell from my mouth, “love you Gran.”
“I love you too sweetheart.” she whispered.
That was on the Friday, the last time I saw her. She died on the Monday.
Somehow, losing my Gran planted a seed in me that slowly grew in my family. I needed to tell people that I loved them. Maybe it was the fear of suffering so great a loss again and not having let that person know the depths of my feelings for them. Maybe it was needing to hear those words back. Probably it was a little of both. At first it felt awkward, to make myself so vulnerable, to ask for that vulnerability back, but it became easier, more natural, and now my parents and my younger brother exchange these words whenever we speak, whenever we say goodbye.
My middle brother and my older sister choose to show their love in other ways, and I accept and respect that, though I can’t say that at times I don’t long for them to put it into words.
When I had my surgery a couple of weeks ago, I was touched so much by the cards, the emails and the texts I received from my family and friends, but there was something special that helped me keep it together when I kissed my sleeping girls goodbye that morning and we crept from the house.
The night before, my sister rang me. We chatted, we laughed and when we said goodbye, she told me she loved me.
I know it won’t become a habit for her, not because she doesn’t feel or mean it, but because it isn’t natural to her, but when she needed me to know, she made sure I did. On this occasion, once was ‘often enough’ for me, because I will hold it forever.
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March 16th, 2008 at 8:40 am
That’s lovely Jo
)
March 16th, 2008 at 9:18 am
A very moving post Jo. I know exactly where you’re coming from.
March 16th, 2008 at 9:21 am
You’ve made me all teary, you bugger! Lovely.
Mya x
March 16th, 2008 at 10:34 am
That brought a tear to my eye Jo. How wonderful that the last words you spoke to your gran were those three special ones. x
March 16th, 2008 at 11:03 am
oh my…you got me all teary. I can relate to so much of this.
I heart you!
March 16th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I hate crying.
Thank YOU.
March 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Wonderful.
xoxoxo
March 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
my father died before i could tell him I love him one last time.
March 16th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I can say “I love you” easier in English than I can say “Ik hou van jou” in Dutch. I think I never say it. Shame on me!
March 16th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
i just want to start by saying “i love you”.
our family says it all the time too. and there is a guy i married. he doesn’t ever say it. it’s just weird to me. i never noticed until after we were married. (i know, i pick up on things a bit slow). but it is just really really weird. now that i have noticed it. how did i not notice that? i’m still stunned.
but i make sure i tell my kids every day. at least once. i call it “the noon i love you announcement”. sometimes they’re not there, so i have to go find them. qoh’s teacher is getting a bit fed up with it, but i say phooey on him, and so what if i turn my kid gay. oh he came up with a new one the other day. apparently girls are better at dealing with data than boys. well, that boy certainly didn’t deal with *that* data very well…
i digress, as it is bedtime and i’m having a hard time distinguishing between this blog and my pillow.
so i will just close by saying “i love you”.
also, stevie wonder called, lookin’ for you. he just called..to say…he loves you.
why is it always the bottom of our hearts? the poo part of our hearts says i love you? shouldn’t it be the best bit of the heart that says i love you?
right i really really should go to sleeeep now.
sleeeeeep. that’s where ralph’s a viking!
March 16th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
My sentiments exactly, Jo, from start to finish.
March 17th, 2008 at 8:51 am
That, is a beautiful story Jo. Thanks for the reminder.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:34 am
Brilliant post, Jo.
My older sister and I sporadically say those words to each other. We’ve had a history of conflict, and I think it’s scary to us to say it aloud before we hang up each time. But we call each other a couple of times a week (we’re separated by time zones) and stay close in many ways.
This is a good reminder that there is nothing scary about those words.
Peace – D
March 18th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Belle thanks my lovely.
Rosie, thanks babe.
Mya, sorry babe. I got all teary writing it.
Akela, it was so weird. I’m so glad she heard it though.
Corey, I heart you too hon. It’s so hard when you lose someone you love so much, and it’s hard to say I love you sometimes.
Maria, sos mate. Have a good cry though, its probably good for you. Honest. Makes your hair grow or something??
Sybil thanks.
Curtis, I am so sorry. Sounds like you did say it to him though, so he knew. It must have been so hard to lose him so young. I can’t imagine losing my dad.
Irene, it’s just not natural to everybody, but just because you don’t say it loads, it doesn’t mean you don’t show it. You can tell how much you love Eduard when by the way you write about him. I’m sure he knows.
David, thanks.
Jo, thanks.
DP, hi and thanks. It’s so good that even if you don’t always see eye to eye, you make sure that you both know how you feel about each other.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:40 am
here from david’s. thanks for sharing a lesson learned and a place of acceptance for where others are.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Lovely post, very heartfelt.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:36 am
David sent me over this morning and I am so glad I came by.
Thank you for being so transparent and sharing this with us. I needed that this morning. Thank you for putting your heart on the line and being okay withy our famiy’s different ways of expression.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I think you deserved David’s top spot over my blood squirting post (although I did mention my heartbeat. Does that count as a reference to love?) Your post was heartwarming and wonderful. Thanks for sharing.
March 18th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I came to visit via David. This is such a heart warming and heart wretching story. I had tears in my eyes from the beginning. I too experienced similar feelings when I lost my brother in a car accident. I asked myself many times, did he know I loved him. Like your family it was turn around spot and now the I Love Yous are abundant.
Thank you for sharing your story.
March 18th, 2008 at 11:32 am
All of my sisters say “I love you” to me often. To each other they only say it on special occasions. I think it is because I am the baby. At any rate, we have all noticed it and commented on it, but nothing changed.
David sent me.
March 18th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
I came over from David’s, although I’ve seen you around.
This the best I’ve seen on the subject. I can so relate to it. My family were similar when I was young and I have a similar situation with my siblings (also one of 4). I totally agree with you. That sibling whom I love and she loves me yet rarely says it, when she did, I held on to it and still do forever. Once was enough.
I think that is why it is so often said with my children and family. I want them to hear it more often than I did and not feel uncomfortable in saying it, even though I knew and know I am loved.
Now I am learning to say it to people I haven’t met! And Jo, I wish you all the best with your recovery, and I love you.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
This was beautiful, and important. I just had a similar moment with my sister, who was deploying the following day (she’s in the Navy). We rarely say the words, but I said it that night on the phone. She said it back, also.
It’s not a moment that I’ll forget.
March 19th, 2008 at 4:02 am
Hi, I have come over to visit from David’s blog. What a beautiful post you have written. My family is really good about saying I love you, and I am very glad of that as it is something that I always carry with me, knowing that they are there, but I totally understand that for some people it doesn’t come naturally – my step-dad never says it, but I know that he feels it. I also have a close friend that never used to hug when we see each other – she does now, but it is only to humour me, let alone say something that she would consider sappy! However, I know that she is there for me, no questions asked!!
March 19th, 2008 at 11:09 am
David sent me tho its taken me longer to get here than I would have liked .. great post ..