I cannot write a post today as I have been eaten by an enormous spider.
It gulped me down as I tried to see it off with a shoe earlier today.
Miss M decided to don protective gear and attempt a rescue. Miss E’s swimming kits seemed the ideal solution, and as Miss E was upstairs ‘being’ High School Musical, it was a good opportunity to mess with her stuff.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the medieval smock Miss M is wearing was a gift from Grandma.
I was kind of a bit unsure about it when she gave it to us, but I did the, “Oh it’s lovely” bit and shoved it to the back of the wardrobe. This morning Miss M found it, and being an assertive 3 year old, insisted on wearing it with pride. Tomorrow it may mysteriously disappear as I felt like I was sending a small minstrel to nursery.
So anyway, she whipped off her jeans and socks as everyone knows they get in the way when rescuing parents from spiders, and waved her big yellow feet ominously at the vile beasty.
It did not work.
Apparently spiders are not afraid of small girls in big yellow flippers.
So Miss M decided to hold a sit in and block the exit.
Yes I know, bare legs, cold tiles, but we didn’t force her. I reckon my kids could be part reptile, not that I’m calling Mr B a bearded dragon or anything, that would be rude, and he hasn’t even got a beard.
But, anyway, the spider still seems unwilling to relinquish its lunch, so I may have to wait till Mr B fires up the vacuum to suck me back out of Mr Spider, and then, when I am safe and sound and free of arachnid innards, he will suck Mr spider into the dyson of DOOOOOM.
“But Jo,” I hear you ask, “What if he just sucks the spider up while you’re still in there?”
Calm yourselves my lovely readers. That will not happen. Remember I have become an expert on the eating habits of many a creature on this big dark planet, see here. And I know for a fact that a dyson will not suck up a spider that has eaten a full grown woman, unless that woman has eaten a jellied eel beforehand, and that jellied eel must have once dined upon a kitkat.
I’m a vegetarian. There ain’t no eels in here.
So,
I cannot write a post today because I am half way up our hall wall, and it’s a bit dark.
Unless of course, I have developed the extraordinary ability to send my thoughts to the page using only the power of my mind, and that would be crazy.
I’ll have to check when I get out. Hope it won’t be long. Might have a snooze.
Parp. Oh excuse me.
Phew, lucky I couldn’t possibly really have that power, otherwise everyone will know I have just let one go in a very confined space. That could be embarrassing. Tee hee.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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April 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
How cute is she! All of my kids are scared of bugs and spiders. I don’t know why bc I’m not. But, they scream their heads off if they see one, even Jocelyn!
April 8th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
oh yay! love this bug post. Go spider
) ps award at my place for you.
April 8th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I want to say something funny, but I can’t stop being jealous that I don’t have a Miss M or a Miss E.
April 8th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
love the flippers. MM uses phone books to kill our big spiders. I must get him a Dyson, immediately….
April 8th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
geeeeeez you scared the hell out of me there. WHEW what a close call.
when i come over, i need lute lessons, so let miss m know she needs to prepare to teach. and i will want to borrow that minstrel outfit. i gots me some banquets to play at.. .
and for shame, jo. you should eat fewer eggs. FEWER EGGS!!!
April 8th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
What a wonderful story! I think vacuums are the way to go with spiders who dare to show themselves inside my house.
April 8th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Jo! This? This would be a brilliant children’s book. Seriously. Flesh it out a bit, add some funky illustrations, and you’ve got a story that’ll have kids and adults alike giggling their heads off.
That aside though…oh my…what is that smell?!
April 8th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Um, we all have to share this space with you, thankyouverymuch!!
Personally, I like the dress! Or maybe she just makes it look good.
She is freaking adorable, either way! Even with flippers!!!
April 9th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Lori, ta babe, she is a cute monkey. I am quite scared of spiders though I try not to show it. Other stuff I don’t mind, but spiders just get me. And, even Mr B was a bit gobsmacked by that one. Shivers. Weird that the kids don’t get their bug worries from you. My niece is the same though.
Belle, than you my lovely. And now I must visit. Yay. x
Miss Burrows, I’ll get ‘em cloned for you. I bet it’ll only cost a fiver or so.
mie, the phone books are good too, but vacuums are less messy and more likely not to miss, and, lets face it, you can be much much further away. Yuck.
Holl, Lute lessons will be fine, and the minstrel outfit? It’s yours baby. And you’re so right on the eggs. (Wafts hand behind bottom.)
Mrs Weasley thanks, and definitely, vacuums are the safest and cleanest option.
Kim, hee hee. I might just try it. And the smell? Erm, it’s from the farms you know, I’m sure there are farms round here somewhere…
Sybil, sos love, I will try to erm, desist. And the dress? She makes it look good. Honestly. It is not a good look.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:20 am
A pretty surreal story, almost like Alice in Wonderland. Which thing have you taken a little bite off to make you grow taller and smaller to be eaten by a spider? Hope you return to our world of the cyber reality soon.
April 9th, 2008 at 1:05 am
I catch em in a dyson too, but am too scared to empty it afterwards. End up throwing WHOLE dyson into back garden and locking the door!
April 9th, 2008 at 2:17 am
Jo that’s hilarious!! I must speak to Miss M about her flippers. I love the bit that says Miss E is “being” High School Musical! IJ does that often.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Irene, a little bit of surreal is probably good for the soul I say.
But I’m back today.
Picklesmum, we all surrounded the dyson to see if wee could see it hiking over the dust. Shiver.
Rosie, I had fun. I was in a weird kind of detached mood yesterday, but it all turned out alright in the end.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Spiders don’t bother me at all….
Rats…well, rats scare the p*o out of me
April 9th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Funny You see, I’m the opposite. Rats I don’t mind. I don’t really want them loose in my house, but I quite like them. Spiders though? Bleurghhhh.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
oh my lovely Jo. You are so creative. I think my creative might have broke. LOL lack of sleep…..or something might be to blame.
What a sweet funny girl she is.
love the pics of Miss M.
April 9th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
You like rats but not spiders? Rats bite, spiders runaway!
Love the little ‘un, she’s a doll!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Oh my goodness that is so funny and so clever! I love how you write.
Sorry I’ve not been over – I’ve been writing posts and I can’t do two things at once.
I hate spiders. Can I borrow your daughter to sort out the monsters we have here? They come and steal the fridge, or the telly. I come down in the morning and my furniture is rearranged. It’s AWWWWFFUULLL!
Hope you get out soon!
April 12th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Thanks Corey. Your creative could never break. Maybe it is needs a rest, but it is with you to stay. x
Akela, I have never been bitten by a rat. But I have been bitten by a spider. And rats don’t normally climb into my bed, up my walls, or over my sleeping hubby. Bleurghhh. Spiders. Yuck.
Crazycath, you get some big spiders in Lancs. Remind me not to move there, shiver.