My igoogle homepage has a ‘How To of the Day’.
Generally it’s something slightly geeky or cheesy that you might not really need, such as ‘How to Lasso an Eel’, or ‘How to shave the word “paprika” onto the back of a skunk’.
But todays made me click on it.
It MADE me.
No it wasn’t the “How to make a Baby Romper from a T Shirt.”, though obviously if you ever had too many T shirts and not enough baby rompers that would be good…
It was ‘How to Survive a riot.”
You see, I thought the answer was simple.
Random person: “How do you survive a riot Ms Beaufoix?”
Me: “I stay away from it.”
But no, there is more, broken down into these points, to which I have added my own explanations where necessary;
- Be prepared. (Pack sandwiches and a cagool.)
- Remain calm. (Remain calm.)
- Get inside and stay inside. (Unless you just need to pop to the shop for something.)
- Stay on the sidelines. (Erm, derrrr.)
- Avoid being hit by riot control chemicals. (Erm, derrrr.)
- Move away from the riot. (Erm, derrrr.)
- Think of crowd movement as like currents in the ocean. (Erm??)
- Avoid major roads. (They’ll probably be blocked by roadworks.)
- Avoid public transportation. (You could be hours standing at a bus stop because of the road works and the wall of angry people.)
- Don’t stop your car. (Especially to ask for directions.)
- Get to a safe place and stay put. (Isn’t that the same as number 3. And, erm, derrr.)
So, with these fabulous guidelines in mind I have developed my own set of ‘How to’s for your education and enjoyment.
How to not get your head stuck in the armpit of a rabid hamster.
- Be prepared.
- Remain calm.
- Do not get inside or stay inside your hamsters cage.
- Move away from the hamster.
- Do not buy a hamster.
- Do not introduce your hamster to a rabid bat.
- Keep your hamster away from any animal named Cujo.
- Do not place your head in the vicinity of a hamster’s armpit.
- That means all four of it’s armpits.
- Especially if it is foaming at the mouth.
- Think of hamster movement as like the currants in a toasted teacake.
Oh, and a visual aid…
God I should teach. Sighhhhh.
Now, remember how I told you about the lovely Pay it forward game? I received a lovely gift from Hootin’ Anni’s who received a lovely gift from Mary, and now three lucky people will receive a lovely gift from me and will in turn pass on three lovely gifts to three other people on their own blogs and so on.
Well we wrote down the names of everyone who left a comment, stuck em in Miss E’s Teddy Bear’s Hat (Yup there were that many), and tonight Miss E, her friend Daisy and Miss M all drew out a name.
And the Pay it Forward gift recipients will be………..
So if Momo, Corey and Lee are all still up for it then please email me your postal addresses to jo@jobeaufoix.com so I can send a little gift on to you. If you can’t do it, don’t worry, just email me and I’ll pick another name.
Thanks for everyone who commented, and who knows, if you follow these ladies blogs and volunteer for their pay it forwards then you might get a chance next time.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
It’s just as well I’m not drinking Ms B, we would definitely be experiencing a spillage issue if so. Rabid hamster arm pits? I am sooo prepared now.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Avoid a riot? No, Jo, you ARE a riot!!
April 30th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
i interrupted mr dolly’s snoring with my laughing.
but thank god, really, because i might have *had* a rabid hamster incident this weekend, and i would.not.have.been.prepared without you. thank you jo, you are an angel among us mortals.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
oh my heavens Jo! You are so creative. I learned a lot, and now feel pretty prepared. Thanks!
as for the Pay It Forward……WOO HOO! I am so thrilled. who picked me? who picke me? they deserve a kiss!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I get a kick out of the fact that toothpicks come with directions.
Directions.
Oi.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
what’s a cagool and how do I pack it? Does this mean I won’t survive the riot?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Thanks for the hamster tips, Jo. Ordinarily, instinct would discourage me from placing myself in the dangerous area of a rabid hamster’s armpit. Do they use deodorant? Do they shave them, or prefer the wild and woolly look? Questions that need answering I think – come on, enlighten us further. And…do they riot? I’m sure the rabies could make them a bit uppity.
Fascinating post – you’re right you should teach!
Mya x
May 1st, 2008 at 7:40 am
Woo Hoo!! Am I ever up for it! I have a whole basement worth of things I need to pay forward.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:00 am
Jo, I so appreciate your educating me on the pet rodent world. Snags wants a hamster. Or a gerbil. Or a mouse. And I don’t. Especially as I learn more about them from you. And the story I heard on the news about a guy who died after catching some rodent disease from a gerbil he bought at one of the big pet stores. You should have posted this one sooner
May 1st, 2008 at 10:33 am
Great advice – I’ll keep a note!
May 1st, 2008 at 11:28 am
I’ve had some nasty encounters with rabid hamsters and have never known what to do. I usually pay them in hamster food and they go away. But now I’ll be ready for the next time. Thank you.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Belle, thank Bob.
David, then you should probably avoid me. ;D
Holl, you can go anywhere without fear now.
Corey it was Miss M. Daisy picked Lee, Miss E picked Momo and M got you. So glad you’re up for it my sweet.
Kim that is so funny. “Pick teeth”. “Do not stick this implement in any orifice other than your mouth.” Hee hee.
Mie a cagool is a kind of waterproof hooded pullover with big pockets. When I was little everyone had them. They generally only came in the colour blue. I probably spelt it wrong though.
Mya, I think they go for the woolly look, and I’m sure they don’t use deodorant as they wouldn’t be able to get the lid off. Stinky little creatures.
Momo, fabulous my lovely.
Belle Oh my Bob I must look for that story. We have a gerbil. Part of me wants to know how close he got to that gerbil to catch something from it…but part of me doesn’t.
Akela, you should. You never know what’s around the corner.
Dumdad, blimey, I’m so glad you survived. Shivers. Evil rabid hamster gits.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
That is so funny Jo. I will stay away from rabid hamsters (or hamsters in general just to be safe) and riots (or crowds in general just to be safe).
I have tried to get over here a few times but have had trouble loading your blog up for some reason. Glad I managed tonight – I needed a laugh and you obliged. Thank you!