As some of you will know I stopped working as a Special Educational Needs Teaching Assistant in 2006 due to depression. I won’t say that I had a break down, it didn’t quite get that far, but I stopped being able to function as I had been doing. My mask didn’t just slip, it fell to the floor and shattered into a million tiny pieces.
In so many ways this was a good thing, even though at the time it was pretty bad, but something had to give and in the end it was me. I lost myself and I needed to be fully ‘gone’ before I could get me back I suppose.
Now 2 years on, several stones heavier (boo) and several pounds poorer being a one job family, I am also a million times happier, a million times more hopeful and a million times richer in so many ways and my blog has been a huge part of this.
While I still struggle with depression I find myself able to escape its desperate weight more quickly, but I am very much aware that I suffer more easily with stress, which is what has been happening these last few months. On good days I am fabulous, happy, smiley, energetic and ready to take on the world, or at least a bouncy almost eight year old and feisty and fun three year old. But on my bad days I feel drugged, lethargic, exhausted and can literally sleep all day, while at night my brain will not switch off or plagues me with weird dreams and panic.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been really suffering with the weird sleep thing. Seriously, at times, like last night, I go to bed when Miss M does and sleep right through and am still tired the next day. I’m also losing a lot of hair which after numerous tests seems to be down to stress rather than physical reasons.
So why am I telling you this apart from to be a big old whingy pants?
Well I suppose because I’m visiting you all a lot less at the moment and I feel bad. It’s playing on my mind. I love to read, I love to keep up, I’m a gossip and a people watcher and I love being part of this fabulous community we have, but right now I am frankly, well, knackered.
So please bear with me and don’t give up on me. You’re all in my reader and I will catch up and I’m so grateful that you still come and see me. I made a promise to myself that I would blog everyday and I’m sticking with that come hell or high water, but occasionally I’m having an evening off to catch up on the sleep I am missing at the moment and to get myself well. I’m learning to listen to my body a little more and I know I’ll get there in the end.
Ok, serious bit over. Now for a little bit of silliness.
Miss M: “Mummy, have you got a gubby bum.”
Me: “Erm, I don’t know babe, do you mean a chubby bum??”
Miss M: “No. My want a gubby bum like E. I’m a big girl and big girls can have gubby bums.”
I look round helplessly at Miss E and Mr B.
I get nothing.
Me: “Erm, I don’t know what you mean M. You’ve got a perfect little bottom for a Miss M.”
Miss M looks at me in disgust.
Miss M: “Not a bottom Mummy. My don’t want a bottom to eat, my want a gubby bum to blow bubbles like E.”
Me: “Ahhhhhh, bubble gum.”
And no I didn’t let her have any. She’s far too young it would be unfair on the house, the car and anyone within an inch or her.
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July 15th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I love you, Jo. For your sincerity and genuineness as much as all the rest of your loveliness.
I know you’ve probably been checked for it already, but your symptoms sound so consistent with Hypothyroidism. It can be very hard to diagnose, as your thyroxin levels leap up and down rather a lot, and it’s only on the low can hardly get out of bed days that you’d test positive for it. My mum had a severe case where her thyroid gland was bulging out the side of her neck and she still tested negative for it. It’s often misdiagnosed as depression.
There, down off my soapbox now. ~hugs~ Love you to bits.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:41 am
You get yourself right then you can think about visiting honey. x
July 15th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
You know what I love about you Jo? Your honesty. And your willingness to share your life with us, your precious babies with us and I wish I had the answer to your stress problems…deep breathing and a soft ball to squeeze was my answer when I was on the force…of course everyone thought the ball was to help with my trigger finger (lol)…but your hair falling out, your sleep disorder…that’s worrisome to me, I can’t imagine how badly it’s affecting you! I’m sure it sends your stress levels even higher…have you tried walking as a stress reliever? It worked for me, I walked a mile a day to start, then 2 miles and it does help…I hope you’ll be feeling better soon!
hugs
Sandi
July 15th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Oh I hope you feel better soon… I’ve been there and I know it is miserable. We’ll all be here with open arms when you sort yourself out!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I’m a relative newcomer to your blog Jo and had no idea you were suffering. Really really sorry to hear it, it must be doubly hard when you have children to contend with.
Have you ever tried yoga? Wait! Don’t switch off! I’m not a new age hippy who think it can cure all ills, but I do think it’s worth a try.
My mother-in-law had terrible insomnia and found it a lot easier to switch off after learning yoga relaxation.
It also massages your internal organs and revitalises your whole body. I did yoga and tai chi after having my children and I felt great with it.
Sound like a bloody advert don’t I?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Hugs to you honey. Come to my house. I’ll let you sleep and while you do I’ll knit you a wig and let Miss M admire the gubby bums all around this neighbourhood while Miss E tsks in mock disapproval
July 15th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Don’t you worry about us, you take care of you! We’ll be here waiting for you. I’m glad overall that you’re feeling better though.
July 15th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
do you know that the initials of what you *were* is SENTA? you were ONE letter off a bearded present-bearing dude! i always suspected as much. no – i mean because you are always bearing presents. yes yes yes that’s what i oh this joke is going horribly wrong.
new topic!
yes, i am wholeheartedly in favor of your going to bed early when you need to. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!!!
i will totally be here until you tell me to stop that and go away. well, not the *whole* time. at some point i will have to go to the loo. but then i will come back.
also, listen to kim. she is wonderful and wise and may have something there.
don’t give that lovley girl a gubby bum. she will just use it to make trump sandwiches.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I am so glad to hear that you refused to give your girl a gubby bum. If more parents would just do the same, we could all stop having to look at gubby asses all day!
Haha – she just kills me!
Anyway, I hope things even out for you. I, too, suffer from sleep problems. It’s rough.
xoxoxo
July 15th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Ah, you know we’ll all be there when you feel like reading again. Never feel pressured and think you HAVE to read. Do it when and if you want!
I love “gubby bum” … that was hilarious!!!
Take care and feel better, Jo.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
hugs to you Jo….take care of yourself!!
July 16th, 2008 at 12:52 am
I’ll still be here…take the time you need. ((BIG HUGS))
July 16th, 2008 at 2:23 am
Hi Jo, have just discovered your lovely, beautiful blog. It’s fantastic and I hope you feel better soon.
Bush Mummy x
July 16th, 2008 at 3:21 am
Good luck. I too am battling depression and know exactly what you talk about to the letter.
Get yourself a gubby bum.. that might help.
July 16th, 2008 at 6:43 am
Hugs Jo!
July 16th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Hi Jo! I read all your entries but I figured commenting on every single one would be silly since you know I was away and stuff. First off, your Miss M is adorable sounding. Second of all, I feel your pain with struggling with depression. I fell it very much and I just hope you find positive healthy ways to hang in there during the hard times, it seems like you are definitely enjoying the good times though, and that makes me happy. And as for other bloggers….we’ll be around when you feel like getting to us and I personally plan on continuing to read your blog whenever you post!
Cheers!
July 16th, 2008 at 8:50 am
I want some gubby bum now…
…I know what you mean about wanting to visit and comment on blogs but real life gets in the way and time runs out. Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep popping in to read the latest adventures of Miss E and Miss M.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:57 am
you hang in there. we’ll all be here when you get back. i tend to read but not comment when the weather is nice…. so i owe you an apology too!
July 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Gubby bum! Hahaha! I love it!
Sorry things aren’t feeling too peachy right now. Take your time, do what you need to do. We love you and we’re rooting for you.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
NO gubby bums for you!! Take all the time you need I’ll still be here! mwahaahaahaah
July 17th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I have a cousin who has the same job as you did and also suffers from depression. As do others in my family. It’s certainly difficult, but know there are people around you who are rooting for you.
Funny about the gubby bum. Now I want some.
July 19th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
much love to you Jo. I will be here….and you must know that you can skip many days on my blog and all will be okay. I no longer think of you as a blogging friend, but simply as a friend, and whatever you need to do to feel better….I am 100% behind it.
sorry I missed this until now, but you now why. hugs and more hugs!