This morning at 9am my sister-in-law Helen’s grandad died.
He was the most charming and lovely man. Over the 15 or so years I have known him he has been a warm presence, always smiling, wonderful with Misses E and M and his own great grand children cousins ME and baby J, and a true gentleman.
He and his wife loved to dance, it really truly kept them young. I know that’s a bit of a cliche, but they always had a twinkle in their eyes and were never far from laughter. They were so devoted and in tune with each other probably because they still had fun together. They went to tea dances several times a week and we used to watch them at family gatherings waltzing all night. Nobody ever cut in and I never saw them start a dance with anyone else.
Over the last few years he has been suffering increasingly with dementia. It is the cruelest illness. It chips away at a person from the inside and makes everything that they know and love unstable and unrecognizable. The last three weeks have been pretty horrific, so much so that his passing is almost a relief. Almost.
Weirdly today is the anniversary of Mr B’s dad. He died when Miss M was 6 months old. There was a point we thought he might never meet her but I’m so glad he did as for a while she made him smile again just as Miss E always did.
When Mr B gets home from work tonight we’re heading over to Grandma’s for a picnic and a cuddle and to remember. The remembering is good. Poignant, at times still marked with sadness, but it’s easier to smile and laugh and recall the essence of Mr B Senior now. How he got so angry with politicians. How he used to get up so early that the milkman next door relied on him to wake him for his rounds. The gummy smiles he and Miss E shared when she was a baby and he hadn’t put his teeth in. His love of cricket and boxing. The hot meals he always prepared for his growing sons as he worked shifts and was the one there when they got home from school. His laugh. The grumpy arguments he had with his wife of fifty years, arguments that were forgotten in minutes.
I know Helen and her family will get to this place one day too. I wish it could be sooner, but some stuff just takes time.
If all this wasn’t enough, my other sister-in-law Sarah’s Gran is very ill in hospital at the moment and things aren’t looking good. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts. We’re kind of hoping for a miracle.
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August 15th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Dementia is one of the worst things to happen to people in old age. I would never wish that fate on anyone (ok maybe like Hitler or Dick Cheney…I’d say W. but he’s already pretty far gone on his own). I hope your family will be able to take comfort in the fact that he is no longer suffering and that now what is left is the good memories and love.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Dementia is horrible. It happened to my grandmother (95) at the end. She went from acute to scattered over a long and awful year. After she passed, my grandfather lay in bed for two years until he finally left the planet on June 22 of this year. They were both amazing, amazing people. I wrote about my Papí. Next time you’re around my neck of the woods, and you have about three minutes, check out “Adios Papí.” It’s my goodbye to him. Have a great weekend, I’m sorry for your loss, and I’ll be thinking good thoughts.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:17 am
My granfather is suffering from the dementia. It is devestating and horrible to watch.
My prayers and thoughts are with you & your family during this time.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Such a sad story and I can relate as my father is 85 and has dementia. I remember Neil Young talking about his father who also had dementia. Humorously, he said, “Oh he was fine. A policeman passed us and he said ‘cop’.” A difficult time, this loss. But as you mentioned gathering around and supporting each other by remembering the good times is healing. My heartfelt
condolences to you and your family.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Luckily, dementia does not run in my family on either side and we reach a ripe old age in charge of our faculties, which I hope will happen to me too. I wish you all the best and a lot of courage you you and your extended family as you go through this hard time.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
I am so sorry for your family’s loss Jo. I will keep your SIL’s Gran in my thoughts and prayers.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Such sad times, but Jo this is so beautifully written. Will be thinking of Sarah’s Gran and wishing her better. Lots of Love K x
August 15th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Sorry to hear about your sister in law’s loss. It’s never easy is it?
August 16th, 2008 at 12:22 am
I wish there was something constructive I cold do, Jo – but you’re all in my thoughts.
August 16th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Lilacs that is definitely the way. He’s at peace now and he really wasn’t. Thanks for the smile too.
Writer Dad I’m so sorry about your gran and grandad. I will go and read that post. They sound pretty special.
Bubblewench thanks hon and the same to you. It’s the saddest most awful thing isn’t it.
Petra Michelle thanks and so sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts are with you too sweetie.
Irene thanks you. My great Auntie had dementia, but on my mum’s side there’s no records so fingers crossed we’ll miss this one. Here’s to a robust old age.
21st CM, thanks. Things are still not looking good but she’s hanging on. She was so happy at their wedding a few weeks ago.
It’s hard to imagine her so ill now.
David, good thoughts are often the most constructive thing.
August 16th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
as always, sending good thoughts my lovely.
August 16th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
So sorry for your loss Jo…and of course our prayers go out for everyone, Sarah’s Gran in particular…Miracles do happen, we only have to believe…
hugs
Sandi
August 18th, 2008 at 2:06 am
My heart goes out to you and yours. It is so hard to watch a loved one suffer from demensia. Near the end of my Grampa Sam’s life he tought I was either my grandma or my mum. It was so hard on every one. My Grandma on the other side didn’t recognize my father most of the time before she passed away, it was truly heart breaking. I try to remember, and focus on the good and happy times. I will keep you sister-in-law in my prayers.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:56 am
So much of this post reminded me of my own father who is suffering with Alzheimer’s now. Such a beautiful tribute. So glad David sent me over.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:32 am
I read this just after picking up a small photo album that happened to find its way to my desk. Looking through, I find the two sets of twins that graduated this year–but about knee high. And I find the smiles of my sis and my sis-in-law. The one brings a laugh, and the other a tear as both are gone too soon. We live, we love, we laugh, we remember.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:25 am
My mother is dealing with dementia. It’s a heartbreaking disease that turns loved-ones into strangers. My condolences to you and your family. Remember the good times and the love you all shared.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
The circle of life can often be cruel in a loved one’s eyes. Yet it can also be a Godsend. My thoughts are with you.
Crystal Jigsaw xx
August 18th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Too much sadness at once!
The memories you have of Mr. B Senior are wonderful. My hope is that my children/grandchildren will remember me in the same, wonderful way. I know your sister-in-law will get their with her granddad. Time smooths things over. I don’t think it heals, but smoother is better.