I’m going to have to admit it. I’m struggling. Having battled depression for a while now I can feel it’s heavy presence making itself known once again and I am tired. I suppose a week of sickness hasn’t helped in that I am physically exhausted, but it is not until this moment that I have acknowledged there is something more going on here.
It’s weird in this virtual community of ours, that along with the warmth and creativity so many people here share, struggles with depression and mental health also seems a common subject. Maybe the two really do go hand in hand, ‘the tortured artist thing’, not that I am comparing myself to any kind of artist, but I suppose what I’m saying is that it seems with creativity comes angst. Deep thought, empathy, an intense interest in other human beings that can lead to fine writing, funny little pieces of hearsay and comical asides, can also lead to melancholy, being over dramatic, extreme feelings and sensitivity.
Having spent 2 years in counselling with a wonderful lady who has changed my life, I have come such a long way, so much so that my therapy ended a few months ago and I’ve been doing really well. She not only helped me get myself back and learn to value who I am , who I was and who I can be, but she also gave me coping strategies to stop the panic, help me to question my situation, my feelings and work out what they are and where they might be coming from, but this time there is something more that I cannot seem to change.
I know I need to go back to my doctors. I know I need to take my meds properly and get back on the Evening Primrose and use my hormone treatment correctly. But all these ‘needs’ and ‘musts’ tend to cause rebellion in someone who has been a ‘pleaser’ all her life, and who felt she mostly failed at it, so I sometimes ignore the practical and the obvious in a way that I know only harms me, but that makes me feel in control in some way.
Sorry if this is an annoying post for you. I know it’s a kind of egotistical thing to share your woes with the world and think that people will want to listen, but I suppose in the end this feels a safe place for me to splurge so I am having a splurge. So much of my worries and low feelings I manage to counter with humour. I love to laugh and I have so many things in my life that make me smile. I am lucky, I know that, but that makes this dark cloud even harder to understand. How can I change this feeling when I’m not sure where it comes from? Why is it that one day I am fine and the next this dark choking dry blackness seeps into the corners of my life and takes away my cheer, my sleep, my energy and my hope?
I know there has to be balance, but I feel swamped.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Ordinarily I would be annoyed by such a self indulgent post, but as it happens, I have been struggling with depression myself for the past few weeks(I’m not making a joke). So I’m not sure if I’m not annoyed because I understand exactly what you’re saying and empathise, or if I just don’t have enough motivation to even get annoyed any more(ok, that may have been a little joke).
I think we all struggle with the depression/stress thing to some extent especially as no-one wants to talk about it. I find excercise helps even if just a short walk but my advice is to get back to the doctor, before the cloud gets even blacker!
Butler? Buster? Bugler?
I’m sorry to hear a dark cloud is tracking you. These things are very personal but it can help to write about them, or so I’ve read somewhere. Humour can help only so far - it’s not a panacea that can turn the blues a different colour. I hope the bright skies return to you soon.
WT, that was definitely a little joke. The thing is, my blog helps me so much in that I try to find my happy and put it out there and I can usually shake it off, but I’m struggling right now so I figure my mates will help me find my happy. I’m totally looking for a little uplift here, so yep, self indulgent, but you’ll forgive me right?
Adventure Mum, I will, I think I just needed to do it Monday but because the kids have been off ill I haven’t got round to me yet.
I absolutely do NOT find this post annoying. Everyone has the right to feel the way they do. I udnerstand how you feel and I’ve actually been wondering if I should go into it more on my blog, but I4m still hesitant.
Either way, I think you need to do what’s best for you. Because if you want to “please” others you have to be happy with yourself first. I know everyone says it but it’s not easy to actually believe. But it’s the truth.
Hugs hun.
Oh Jo! I So feel you! This is not an annoying post at all. I’m in the middle of all this right now. Sometimes that dark just takes you down and won’t let you up. My meds and couseling ar helping. I rarely talk about it on my blog much, but I’m there.
Start pleasing yourself… it’s so daamn hard, but you can do it.
I wish I could hug you. We could sit with a bottle of wine and cry togehter. Virtual Hugs and virtual wine.
You know, Jo, that I discuss these things freely on my website, so you have all my sympathy and if writing about it helps, well, write about it all you want. It will be educational and rewarding at the same time. You don’t have to be funny and happy all the time. It is okay if people see and meet this other side of you that is equally valid. People are still so afraid to come out of the closet about depression and it is our job to come out of the closet for them and make it discussable. People used to whisper about cancer to and were afraid to utter that word. Can you imagine?
Dear Jo…
Here’s a few hugs from someone who frequently feels the same way and sometimes hates feeling the same way, but it’s me. I do agree that maybe that’s what drives us ‘tragic souls’ and ‘tortured artists’ to blog so fervently.
So go ahead and splurge all over, we love you. And then pick yourself up and visit your doctors. It’s not failing, it’s living.
Love
L.
“Why is it that one day I am fine and the next this dark choking dry blackness seeps into the corners of my life and takes away my cheer, my sleep, my energy and my hope?”
You got these words exactly right… Sometimes I think it’s like getting the flu, and you just have to rest up and let it run it’s course, each day hoping to wake up feeling a little better… Anyway, it’s especially hard when you have to be a mom. You can’t just stop being a mom for a few days. I suggest movies and ice cream.
Since I come here to read YOU I’m always ready to hear whatever you have to say. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time, but glad you’re recognizing it. xoxoxo..
Don’t feel bad at all. True friends care about what’s going on whether it be good or bad. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Hugs.
(((Jo))) … never apologize for venting .. its your blog!
But now I am feeling a little silly for replying to your comment on mine about selling the kids … I was sort of joking ..
(((Jo))) … never apologize for venting .. its your blog!
But now I am feeling a little silly for replying to your comment on mine about selling the kids … I was sort of joking ..
xo
Jo,
Since I found this blog, I’ve found that your writing always inspires me. Some days it makes me laugh, others it makes me cry, and on some it makes me think. Shocking, I know.
Today is one of those thinking days. Your post makes me introspective, and that’s a good thing. Sometimes the stress of life can creep up on us, like a wave on the ocean. It hits us and just as we are recovering, the next wave comes along and pummels us.
You’ve done a fantastic job with your life, I can tell. Being depressed is not something that is easy to overcome. However, I can tell you this. Living life makes us stronger. I cannot counsel you, but you have my support.
All of your readers come here daily because you are you. They don’t come here just for the stories. They come for the storyteller. The stories are just a bonus. Keep smiling and be well.
Ian
You’re right about the dramatic, melancholy artist thing - I think that with great creativity often comes intense emotions. It’s like being a teenager forever. You’ve obviously learnt some good coping mechanisms, which is an achievement in itself, and it’s also good that you recognise that now is one of those times when you need a little help-top-up. I think of blogging as a kind of therapy. Good luck Jo, you’ll feel better soon x
Your post certainly doesn’t seen annoying in any way to me. It seems honest and forthright … and much of what you’ve shared ‘resonates’ mighily with me. Indeed, just last weekend (on both blogs) and in my Haiku Friday post today at Small Reflections I shared some struggles of my own … (with considerably difficulty I might add). Methinks there are REAL REASONS for this kind of free floating depression, anxiety, and distress that many of us are dealing with … so thanks for putting your thoughts out there.
Hugs and blessings,
Oh hon, it’s your blog and you are allowed to be self-indulgent.
Can you go and see your counsellor again? Maybe a few chats with her will help?
Sending you big {{hugs}}
You DON’T need to apologise. Do you mind when other bloggers splurge? Of course you don’t. You’re there with a cyber-hug and a warm word. So go on and take those now that it’s your turn.
I want to listen. I didn’t really need to read it, though, because I could’ve written it. I think another reason there are so many of us in the blogosphere who tend toward depression is because the computer is a very seductive lure. It’s an enjoyable way to isolate ourselves from the real world, which is also a very common behavior for those who are depressed.
Do go back to your doctors and start doing what you know will help, although, I totally get rebelling against that sort of thing. I do it too. I can’t tell you why. I don’t know.
I have a really good friend who suffers the same way and I often tell her that writing down your feelings would be such a great way of self soothing. A bit like yoga or pilates, but for the mind.
I think blogging is a brilliant way to help yourself because once you actually write the words down and look at them again, it helps you deal with things rather than bottling them up and locking your emotions away.
1) This is your writing space/home, so write whatever the dickens you want. If we don’t want to read it, we won’t.
2) You are the most important thing, not your words. Words can be sweet and fun and comical and educational, etc. But it is the essence of YOU we come for.
3) Honest communication is a rare commodity these days, and you give it in spades. That is the opposite of self-indulgence.
4) You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to live the life you enjoy. Taking care of yourself first is tantamount to this.
5) I am sure I speak for everyone when I say: we are here should you need anything. ANYTHING.
MY friend. I would never see this post as self indulgent or annoying. TRansparent posts like these mean a lot to me, as I do hope to have a relationship with my blogging friends, and it these types of posts that often help me see who you are, and be here as a friend.
I don’t know how to help you feel better, but I do know that I want you to feel better, and you deserve to feel better.
hugs!
It was annoying at all! I hope you feel better soon Jo, sincerely. XOXO
Jo
blogs, and bloggy friends are for listening. It is so good that you see the cloud drifting in, so you can beat it back! That balance is so hard to get to sometimes. Sending hugs your way as well
Jo, I hope you are feeling better real soon. Get some rest; when you are physically tired, it is so easy for everything else to seem insurmountable. Take care.
You’re the reason I come to read this blog - it doesn’t need to be funny little stories about the kids (or whatever) all the time!
Is bugger the word? Is that a bad word?!
xoxo
Hey Jo don’t apologise for anything you write, it’s your blog you write what you like. Anyway in my experience writing down what’s bothering you seems to ease the problem somewhat, not that depression can be dealt with so easily I know, but it seems to clear the mind don’t you think. I hope you’re feeling better soon m’dear. x
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. So sorry to have only just picked up on this. If I can be of any help, just shout x
Be well. And do what you need for yourself to Be Well.
it totally looks like i am a crappy friend for just now coming to this. HOWEVER. i wasn’t in bloggy land AT ALL. i want to drive up there now and hug you.
perhaps you should start taking the evening primrose in the day time too. or maybe you could take daytime primrose?
i’m trying. a little smile? please?
also a reminder that you rock. not just a little. a lot.
Oh, Jo — I’m so sorry you’re battling this again right now. (Doesn’t it seem like the wittiest and kindest people, the ones who life everyone else, are often the silent sufferers with Depression? Ah, life and its ironies…) I could relate to so many, many aspects of this post, and it is so beautifully written. I hope you find a way to pull yourself back up on top soon…
Hugs from across the pond –
Oops! Forgot my URL. Having a daft spell here!
I think self-reflection leads to self-awareness. And sometimes that leads to a need to get out the emotion… I know I’ve posted about my struggled in the past too…
When I’ve shared my struggles, I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of people who also have similar struggles, and I know I’m not alone, and that gives me resolve - and likewise, when others share their struggles, I don’t think ‘whinger!’, I am grateful for a community where we are comfortable enough to talk about those struggles, and again, I don’t feel so out of place in mine.
I hope writing it our helps, but I hope knowing that you have a cheering squad also helps out.
I know this feeling all too well, hun. That wanting to feel that you’re sufficient in and of yourself. That meds, vitamins, proper sleep and all that…are just crutches. I look at people I think are normal and think I should have it in me to be like them. Able to live independent of the “help.” My pride balks at admitting that I need those things, and so sometimes I just…stop. Stop treating myself right. Stop accepting that for whatever reason I have to deal with this struggle and always will.
There are good days though, when I realize that I am learning and growing in ways I otherwise would not. That “normalcy” isn’t always a blessing. I think we lead richer, fuller lives this way. Despite the angst and grief of it all.
It could just be that we’re so unspeakably fabulous that if we didn’t have this to knock us down a peg or too we’d be insufferable. =)
Love you soooo much. ~hugs~
Wow everybody, thank you so much. I’ve tried to reply t these individually but if I missed you I am truly sorry and it wasn’t intentional. I’ve gotten to the bottom of some of this now and am on the way to getting sorted. Thank you so much for being there and being so warm and honest and funny and lovely. You are a wicked. xoxoxoxo
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