I want you to do something for me as you read this post.  I want you to read it in the style of a sports commentator.  You’re watching an epic battle, a fight that goes beyond exhaustion.  I’m talking sweat and tears here people.  It’s not pretty.

Ready?

Take a deep breath, and, GO. 

“ROUND 1

And it’s a left from Miss M, a right from cousin E, Ms Beaufoix ducks but struggles to avoid the blows.  Miss M escapes and dances just out of Ms Beaufoix’s reach while cousin ME kicks off her boots narrowly missing cousin baby J’s head.  Granny makes a grab for them but her she’s not quick enough this time and it’s round 1 to the terrible twosome.

ROUND 2

And both girls are under control for the moment but the atmosphere is tense.  Miss M is sandwiched between Grandma and Ms Beaufoix while Cousin ME is cornered by Grandad and confined to Granny’s knee. But Miss M makes a break for it.  Grandma holds on but it’s too much for her and once again Miss M is dancing on the edges, baiting her opponents.  The audience is loving it.  And as Granny’s attention turns to a handbag filled with the promise of placating lollipops, cousin ME sees her chance and dodges not one, but two flailing adults before joining Miss M in a victory parade.  Round 2 is over and it’s another one to the pre-schoolers.

ROUND 3

Round 3 and Miss M is immediately held in a body lock by Ms Beaufoix, otherwise known as, THE MUMMY.  Ms Beaufoix has broken into a sweat but her face is set and there’s no way she is letting go of that kid.  Cousin ME wiggles around on the floor attempting to subdue her opponents with the power of embarrassment by shouting, “Is it done yet, I’m bored, I want a wee.”  Granny removes cousin ME from the arena and Miss M remains in a body lock.  Round 3 to the grown ups. 

ROUND 4

Grandad attempts the ‘quiet shhhhhh’ maneuver, then the ‘hand placed gently over the mouth maneuver’, but cousin ME is a tenacious little battler and goes for the ’slide through the arms in a downwards direction dunk’ eluding Grandad’s grasp and dragging Miss M along with her, but will Ms Beaufoix relinquish her hold on her small child?  She will not.  And Ms Beaufoix is holding on for dear life.  And now Grandma has once more joined the fray, and it’s the octogenarian pensioner and her brave young companion Ms Beaufoix verses the two surprisingly strong whippersnappers.

And the crowd are on the feet, they’re loving this, the applause are endless, and… it’s all over.  The grown ups may have won that round but it’s likely the youngsters will win on points.  Reeeeeemarkable.”

And breath……

A word of advice.  Never, no never attempt to watch your 8 year old in her school play while attempting to control a 3 year old and a 4 year old who have momentarily been possessed by, quite possibly, the devil himself.  

You will not win.