My kids are pretty special. I’m learning that more and more as we go through this time. I’m so scared of doing the wrong thing, or of not doing the right thing. When you struggle with depression it’s sometimes so hard to trust in your decisions, or to have other people trust in them too.
I’m so close to bring pushed towards something that I feel would not be right, but would be easier for everyone else involved. Maybe it would be kinder for them too in the short term, but in the long term, now feels like the time to do this, but it’s getting harder every day. I do feel very alone. Even though I have good friends, and family, maybe because it is me that has to do this. It is growing up time here and I’m so scared I won’t be strong enough.
Sometimes I get so fed up of this crippling mental illness. I know there are worse things, believe me, but at times when you’re being pushed to the limit it would be so easy to give in and go with the flow, lose yourself in it, drown.
I can’t drown though. I have to swim. I have two little people to carry along with me.
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March 8th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Or, you could float on your back, and relax a little. Teach them to do the same, and they’ve got great skills for life!
You can do it. You’ll be okay. I promise.
xoxoxo
March 8th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I absolutely agree with Sybil. On every point. It’s unusual, because I normally disagree point-for-point with her. She says black I say white, etc. Not today.
You will be great. You *are* great.
March 8th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Oh God Jo, you are so not alone. I have struggled with depression my whole life and have a catalogue of historical experiences, particularly with my parents, that would make the sanest and the strongest person be prone to crumble. It is hard not to feel overwhelmed – and I feel my only saving grace right now is my kids. The thought of doing something drastic is never far from my mind right now, but the thought of my boys having to live with that knowledge for the rest of my lives stops the thought becoming a reality. It is tough. And I really feel for you and empathise right alongside you. Just keep paddling. One day at a time. And know that just the fact you are here for them is more than enough right now. Love and hugs.
March 8th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
HUGS! I’m not sure if this post is suppose to reassure me…or scare the CRAP out of me….but it did the latter.
Please know I’m here, and wish I could help, in some little way.
hugs!
March 8th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
i go along with nic, jo. you know my history off by heart i know yours. be strong. keep talking and no matter how you feel now you will not feel this bad in a few moths time. sometimes the hardest decisions we make take the longest time to get used to and other people have to get used to it too. You must be true to yourself because you need to feel happy.please ring me any time you know i am always there for you.i could not imagine my life without you in it. even though i am so far away i never stop giving up on you so don’t you do that either.you owe it to yourself and your beautiful girls to find a different way to live your lives.
juxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
March 8th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
what am i like! obviously i mean a few months time!
March 8th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
hang in there lady… and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it… and keep writing! Many of us are struggling and it’s better when we have eachother…
I have done this many times and they crawl all over me laughing.
Not sure that came out right but anyway… Just remember that if you lay down on the floor you can be even closer to the kids.
March 8th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
You can do it, just take it one day at a time. Easy does it. You don’t have to fix every problem today, remember that. And you are not alone and please don’t doubt yourself and your decision making, because you are on the right track. Things are tough right now, but they won’t stay that way. It will get easier with time. You have every reason to be very sad right now, but you keep hanging in there, because I know that you are also capable of great happiness.
Big hugs,
Irene
March 8th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Hugs.
You’re very strong.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:44 am
I am sending you a big squeeze and some solidarity from across the ocean. Thanks for your honesty and bravery. Life does not always feel great and sometimes the darkness can feel like it’s going to drown us.
But it won’t.
Breathe.
You don’t have to do anything else.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:56 am
“I’m so close to being pushed towards something I know would not be right”… Jo, go with your heart and don’t let anyone or anything push you in a direction you know is not right because longer term you will all suffer. This is a hell-ish time for you, Jo, I know and you deserve so much better than this. You are not on your own and your friends in the real world and the blogosphere love you dearly and are sad to read such a desperate post. Remember you are a special person who deserve the best out of life, and with that belief make the right choices for you. You can, and will, get through this. Love you xxx
March 9th, 2009 at 12:57 am
And I second everything Ju says x
March 9th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Bon courage!
March 9th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Sounds as if your husband is ‘away” at present. I remember you had an anniversary. I just went through the super bitch phase for about 10 days. My ffriends say to put her back .hey hope to never see her again. But I feel everyone has an overload button, and to hear others say ME TOO. is a tad comforting. ME TOO lady..love Sandy
March 9th, 2009 at 3:57 am
Did you ever see Finding Nemo? Keep on swimming.. keep on swimming…
I know I have to tell myself that alot.
Chin up. Best of luck. I will not say I know how hard it is because I do not have children, that I am sure, makes it at least more interesting.
Sending love, hugs and good thoughts your way.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Quick catch up on your blog – absolutely love the photo of David Tennant! I am a total fan! My office is like a shrine to Mr Wonderful himself.
I’m sorry you’re feeling low. Sometimes we have to push our way through the darkness in order to find the light again. It’s there.
CJ xx
March 9th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Oh Jo, I so feel for you. We don’t really know each other but you are a part of my daily life!
I take the pills I don’t want to, I even had accupuncture on friday in an attempt to ward off a ‘wobble’ – not sure it helped.
Yoga seems to be my saviour. I hope you find something that works for you!
In the meantime let your heart guide you. You have a light and you need to trust it enough to let it shine.
Take care, hug your babes.
March 9th, 2009 at 8:03 am
I agree with Syb (and therefore with Zerilda) .. float on .. and remember you are not alone .. there’s Mr B who I bet can swim too …
March 9th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Oh honey, how scary for you. I know what it’s like not to trust yourself…and I know what it’s like to be on the brink of making the wrong decision…because it’s easier, or because that nasty voice in my head tells me it’s what I ought to do.
I’m praying for you, luv. ~hugs~
March 9th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Regardless of whether or not you are depressed, you need to trust your gut. You are a TOUGH woman and you’ll keep your head above water. Much love!
March 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
You’re strong Jo, you’ll get through this. I’m sending oodles of Reiki m’deario. x
March 9th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Lean on us, hun. We’ll keep you strong.