I got a surprise last night.
My sis-in-law and I headed into town after our meal as we decided we were both definitely in need of a little more entertainment. The night was dull and rain cleared the streets leaving bars jam packed with hot and slightly damp smelling people.
In need of cheesy music and an opportunity for gratuitous dancing, we headed into the 70s and 80s bar. The floor was sticky, the clientele were sticky, and we were allowed to head downstairs with our drinks by a sympathetic bouncer when we informed him we couldn’t stay upstairs as it smelt of feet. Nice.
It was full of people mainly older, or a lot younger than us. There was dancing. There was a mixture of occasionally cool, and often hilariously bad music played by a scary Ron Jeremy look alike who would not smile. And for a newly single woman there was a sudden awareness of feeling vulnerable.
Not that I’m a skinny little chick with the word ‘breakable’ crayoned across my forehead, I am not, nor will I ever be skinny or in the least bit physically breakable. But I was suddenly aware of eyes on me. Of men who just seemed to watch. Their gaze boring into me with an intensity that was at first flattering, then later kind of unnerving. They weren’t out with mates. They weren’t part of a group. They weren’t there for the music. They were alone, looking for a woman. Any woman.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for freedom and as long as you’re not hurting anybody then your life is your life, but when a man suddenly steps between you and your friend, stares down at you intently and presses against your body his face looming at yours, it’s a little bewildering to the inexperienced.
I’ve been with Mr B since I was 18 years old. Before that I had one boyfriend and was with him for 8 months, but I was a very naive kid and it was a fairly innocent relationship. Bullied at school and with little self esteem I didn’t flirt, didn’t date, didn’t dare talk to boys really. Then when I finally lost some weight and kind of bloomed at around 16 I bagged myself one of the cool Upper Sixth Form boys and then didn’t have to worry about any of that other stuff.
When we broke up I was sad but hell I was 17, there was no rush. I spent Thursday nights at Rock City in my Doc Martins, dancing the night away with a ton of mates. I had one encounter, an evening of kissing and conversation with an older man at a house party, but nothing else until 6 months later when I got together with my future husband. (A drunken New Years Eve snog doesn’t count right?)
So what am I saying?
I’m saying that I felt like that kid again. A bit lost, a bit nervous, completely unsure of how to react, and it’s left me feeling kind of scared. I no longer have the protected veil of a relationship. The ring on my finger that meant I didn’t see the stolen glances, didn’t have to think twice about any men that were getting too close, didn’t have to make choices. Didn’t have choices.
Part of me feels exhilarated but another part feels terrified. How do you avoid the predators? How do you know if a person is nice or not?
Blimey I’ve got some catching up to do, but I’m glad that my eyes seem to be open and I’m aware of what I don’t want.
I don’t want to be the woman in the corner being groped by the bloke who’s tried it on with half the other women in the room before he turned to you.
I’m not up for a quick squeeze and a tongue sarnie after a few thrusts on the dance floor. I don’t want to snog random strangers. I need more than that I think. And while the thought of a really slow sweet kiss with lips gentle at first, tentative almost, asking permission, checking that it’s ok, is wonderful, sighhhhh, it’s not likely to happen any time soon and I don’t think I’d be ready for that anyway…
..unless you’re David Tennant, Colin Firth, Liam Neeson or Simon Baker, or you look a bit like them in a certain light, or you take the time to talk to me and you make me laugh.
Ok?
Good.
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June 6th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
It’s good to see you again, Jo. Lots going on, eh? Hang in there, love.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Colin firth or Simon Baker eh? What about Colin Baker? No? Mr tumble then, he’s the housewife’s favorite is Mr Tumble.
I have no insight into this at all. However I’d suggest that you’re probably right about being better looking for love off rather than on the nightclub dancefloor.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
By the way, I was very disappointed this post wasn’t about the Arnold Swatziknickers film Predator. Or it’s arguably superior sequel Predator 2
June 6th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I’ve asked David T to pop round, but I warned him to move slowly. Hope that’s ok.
June 6th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I wanted to run to that place where you are and tell you to be careful…like a mother to a daughter or an older (much)sister…to take no one at their word and go slowly slowly…caution is the word here because I don’t want you to be the cautionary tale. You owe it to yourself to go slowly…because you ARE vulnerable right now. Make friends with a Constable who can run background checks is my advice! Okay, I don’t want you to be afraid, I just want you to be careful…please, Jo…hugs to you…and come on over here, I know this really swell guy, more Liam Neeson than Simon Baker (I adore Simon) just your type, I’m sure!
Sandi
June 6th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Aww, hugs.
Sadly, you wont likely find what you want in a club. Any guy I ever dated I met outside of that sort of environment. Or if I did meet them in that kind of environment, we didn’t get together until we’d had some alone time to get to know each other outside of that environment.
Heck, I knew CB for nearly 2 years before we even developed feelings and met face to face.
June 7th, 2009 at 12:00 am
gee…I need to quite taking the time to talk to you, and making you laugh….I’m not ready for a snog.
June 7th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Yep. Sounds like a night in Reflex (or similar).
I find them scary too (and I have a penis and everything). Having at no point in my life gone out, with the sole intention of snagging a lady, I can’t really offer you any advice. But can confirm you are not on your own.
June 7th, 2009 at 1:28 am
I have very bad memories of places like that. They really freaked me out. When I was at uni we used to go for an hour to a girl’s night, while our other halves waited drinking happy hour beer in the bar across the street. All females (over 18, natch) got in free and got free drinks for one hour. The predators there were really scary, but we were in a group and our sole intent was to get inebriated for free, so we could happily fend them off. Scary stuff, though.
June 7th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Scary, I was out on a hen night last week and ewww the predators are everywhere, seems desperation comes out after midnight.
June 7th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Can I just say the housewives choice is most definitely NOT Mr.Tumble, I mean have you seen him sweating in his purple vest, signing out ‘oranges’. Truly scary!
Here in Suffolk the housewives choice is either David Tennant – but only as Dr. Who (not my choice) or Gene Hunt (but not Philip Glenister!)
June 7th, 2009 at 6:18 am
I guess we do tend to get comfortable in our little bubbles when we’re in a relationship and home with kids … and great chunks of the day-to-day goings-on in the real world just pass us by. Hope you enjoy more eye-openers over the coming months!
June 7th, 2009 at 9:09 am
oh boy! I can relate to this post quite a bit.
I agree that the nightclubs are not the place to find a good one. However I have yet to find me a good one, Not giving up
June 7th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Yep – there’s a lot of creeps out there for sure.
But you’ll be okay. It helps to have friends and family around to help weed them out!
June 7th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I’d hate to have to start again, especially at my age, who’d want an almost 60 year old – even if I do look good for my age?
June 7th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Do be careful, Jo. Nightclubs are not the place you are going to find the man of your dreams. He will be elsewhere. A nightclub is like a butchers shop and men come looking for a piece of meat. You’re sirloin steak.
June 7th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I’ve been with my husband since I was 21 and he was 18 – he’s now 50, what kind of age is that for a toyboy? so I think I understand a bit – if only a bit – about where you’re coming from – I’ve just never had to look for anyone else. My worry, if I WERE to try to find someone else, would be that nobody would want me! But the fact that you’re being pursued shows that men find you attractive – - and you have written very clear-sightedly about what you’re ready for – - – so I reckon that, when you’re ready, the right man will be out there. Oh God, I sound like Agony Aunt, sorry!
June 7th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Oh! I’m scared FOR you. Stick to the buddy system and stay away from men in clubs
xo
June 7th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Its tough. I know those fears all too well. I looked long and hard, and eventually came up with Mustang Man, for whom I will be eternally grateful. Just be careful, and listen to your heart, and your gut! The few times I didn’t, it was a horrible mistake…
go sloooooowwwwwwwwwwww
June 8th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Bookshops and cooking classes—-much safer
June 9th, 2009 at 7:02 am
May I say that often a wedding ring doesnt keep those what wants to get close to keep away … OTOH … you are more likely to feel less threatened in place NOT pubs … remove the alcohol and its amazing how much nicer, less aggressive the male gender can be..
June 10th, 2009 at 1:58 am
When you told of sticky place and sticky people I was immediately there, remembering ytuong to find my breath in such places and feeling trapped. Places like that need to be taken in from the rim. Sounds like you had fun though. Great post ~rick
June 10th, 2009 at 3:30 am
COngratulations on Post of the Day mention!
hugs
Sandi
June 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Great post. I totally understand your predicament. Been there, done that! My solution (and it may not be for everyone) is the personals on the internet. Yahoo personals or some other match-making service. It isn’t perfect but it does work. I met my husband online. Well, maybe it is perfect! Good luck!
June 10th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Nice!~Tis an joy to find you from The post of the Day!