Sometimes the lows just hit when you’re least expecting them. You’re flying along so fast, barely able to take in the scenery when, woomph. It’s been fairly gentle this descent, a soft yet smothering pillow about the head rather than the obvious brick, but sometimes obvious is better. You can’t fight the obvious. You can’t overlook it or step around it as its hands are about your throat, its nails clawing at your eyes, its breath hot on your face.
The gentler kind is devious. It creeps and tiptoes. It twists in through cracks, seeps under doors and lies in wait. It traces uneasy fingers along your spine and urges you to carry on climbing the ladder whilst silently breaks the rungs behind you.
I hate that I can’t understand when stuff like this happens. That I can have a basically good week, including a new car, a wonderful night out with a good friend and my little girl beginning a new journey with confidence and a spark in her eyes, and yet I feel broken. And yes getting in a 4am a little worse for wear, then heading off to see the worst show on the planet, (Tweenies live was pants) won’t have helped, but there’s been a general feeling of malaise for this past week that has had me trying to overcompensate in the hope that false jollity might turn to real.
It’s times like these when I miss being part of a ‘we’. I miss having someone to just cuddle. To talk to and lean on a little. I suppose it’s just a part of my new life I need to get used to.
As most people who’ve suffered with depression know, this will pass and I will be fine. But right now the tears aren’t too far away and I am feel weirdly afraid.
June 28th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
{{HUGS}} from Suffok x x x
June 28th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
(((Gazillion Hugs))) xx
June 28th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Suffolk even!!
June 28th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
sigh….Sadly, what your feeling makes sense and is perfectly normal, I’m sure. I wish you didn’t feel that way but you wouldn’t be human if you did.
June 28th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
didn’t…didn’t.
CB distracted me while I was typing.
June 28th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Big hugs from NY. I know that feeling well; I call it either “The Black Dog” or “Circling the Drain.”
June 28th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Sorry you’re feeling down Jo.
Not that you want advice, but…
Get some sleep, get some exercise, make sure you eat as healthily as humanly possible.
Hope you start feeling brighter soon.
June 28th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
So sorry- Depression sucks…
Hug hug..feel better soon
June 28th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
my heart goes out to you. I want to reach through this screen and give you an encouraging squeeze. ♥
June 28th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Oh hun. I think you know just how much I understand. It isn’t weird to feel afraid right now. It’s the most rational part of the whole experience. We fear going into the darkness and getting trapped there. We fear the feelings of malaise won’t ever go away. Even though intellectually we know they will, they always do, still the fear grips us.
I just went through my own dark time (brief, thank heaven, so brief) and it’s sunshiny and wonderful on the other side. Come on through. You have before and you will again and always. ~hugs~
June 29th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Hey sweetie. I get it. I totally get it. I have had a great weekend with the boys but still feel really low and lonely. Adjusting to being alone after being part of a ‘whole’ is difficult and nearly 9 months on I still struggle. It is so normal and it is to be expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Best to face it now tho and just ride those low points knowing ‘this too shall pass’. I am sending lots of love and join in with the others with the hugs. And if you ever need me, I am here. xx
June 29th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Let it out and cry. I’ve been there and still am sometimes, creeps up on you when you’re least expecting it, bloody thing!
I try to have one good belly laugh a day. It helps.
You may not be a ‘we’ but you are part of ‘us’.
We’re here for you. RMxx
June 29th, 2009 at 6:03 am
And we have to carry on for kids don’t we. Sometimes the loneliness sets in even though we have a house full of laughter. The heart is a complicated tool and one to be taken care of. Cuddle the kids. They will always be there for you. And one day you will look back on this time in your life with pride, because you got through, despite the loneliness and the grieving for the “we”.
Lots of love and hugs to match,
CJ xx
June 29th, 2009 at 6:37 am
I know what it’s like to be standing on the edge looking down at the dreaded depression. Stay with us. Sending you (((hugs))) x
June 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am
This too shall pass Jo. Hugs and Reiki on the way. x
June 29th, 2009 at 10:19 am
The first step is always recognising your limits and where you’re at.
The second is telling people.
The third is ringing or emailing your friends for some practical and emotional support. Even if that is just going blluuuuurrrgh with all the stuff and knowing you are safe to say anything.
You’re doing fine. You’re tired. You are not perfect and you are juggling many balls at once. Give yourself a break.
And lots of hugs from me. xxx
June 29th, 2009 at 11:21 am
You have been through some huge lkife changes and personal dramas of late—splitting up and moving are two of the most stressful things a person goes through in life. even without depression, that would be hard. Take time, try to relax, and let yourself be. You will come out on the other side, yes, but one cannot rush such things.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:24 am
You will go through these relative short periods called the blues and they are probably triggered by something subconscious that’s not registering on your radar, If you really want to analyze it, you can probably find the trigger, but you don’t have to. Just realize that the blues have a beginning and an end and that all you have to do is be patient and wait them out and accept them as being part of your life right now, That makes them less scary and overwhelming. Lean into them a little bit and don’t be scared of them. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, you’re not going crazy and you’re not losing the plot. You’ve just got the blues temporarily and it will pass.
Big Hug,
Irene
June 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Be kind to yourself.
June 29th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Thinking of you Jo. x
June 30th, 2009 at 9:41 am
this reminds me of when we, my sister and I, would race insanely ’round the house and mom would say ‘calm/slow down .. next thing you’ll be crying’ .. well its still true .. highs/happiness often is followed by a lows/sadness .. have a bit of chocolate, its gonna be a bright sunshiny day!