Why is it that when I am really too tired to blog I feel the need to splurge something out on the page? It’s almost like some weird rebellion against myself, some kind of ‘beat the droopy eyelids thing.’
I’m not going to give you the full run down of the day yet as I couldn’t do it justice in my fragile state, but I just wanted to say that it was great, and a fab but tiring end to a weird and emotional weekend.
One of the rides we went on today made me realise what a sock in a washing machine might feel like, and that’s quite possibly the best way to describe my head right now. In a short few days I have said goodbye to my home, seen my husband move into his own place, watched one child dance and sing her heart out in a school production and watched the other zoom from place to place, her eyes filled with excitement, her sense of danger low, her attention to ‘Mummy trying to be in control’ almost zero, but her enthusiasm for the world exhilarating and hopeful and strangely rewarding as she has the courage to do things I would never do as a kid.
There’ve been moments of such joy that have almost been swallowed by the pure emotion and nervous energy that has got me through. Such as seeing Ju again (lunch tomorrow right? ;D), and spending precious few moments with my Auntie Frieda and cousin Harriet between house moving, watching Miss E, packing picnics.
I love to be busy, but this weekend has been a doozy and I feel relieved it is over and that we’ve all made it out the other side. I tend to be a person that sticks a smile on their face and gets on with it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am a bit of an open book in some ways, but while I have met some very lovely new people today who I hope I will meet again, part of me feels like I was almost a bystander, watching this smiling Jo try so hard to be liked and be ok and be interesting. As I drove home with two sleepy girls in the back I chatted to Rosie about this sense of detachment, of feeling a bit lost, a bit like a big kid. I suppose in all the struggle and battle of the last few months I’ve not actually taken much time to stop and look after myself and actually just slow down and take a few deep breaths.
I think I need to do that for a little while now. Learn to enjoy just being me. Learn to make time for my book, which I have barely picked up this year, but which a chat with Tara’s husband S has me itching to begin again. Learn to fill my days with a little more calm, or sometimes nothing at all.
I peeped at my two little girls a while ago. They’re both asleep, soft and dreaming. Someone said to me recently that I wasn’t really where I should be at 34. But I have my girls and I have my whole future ahead of me, so where I’m at is actually fine. I’m quite happy to hang around here a little bit longer, in fact I think it’s something I need to do.
Sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s kind of a bit of a self-talking-to really. And now I’m telling myself to go to bed.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I’m confused – where ARE you “supposed to be” at 34?! I don’t get it.
However, you are have had a doozy of a weekend, haven’t you?
So happy to hear you’re gonna take time for yourself.
July 5th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
You are doing fab and I love reading your “self talk”. Keep it up
July 5th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
There is no one way to be at 34. There are singles and relationship girls, there are widows and divorcees, there are people who’ve been in careers for 10 years, people who are just opening new businesses.
Keep strong, honey. You are fabulous
July 6th, 2009 at 1:30 am
What an inspiring post. 34 – most are barely out the door! I hope you manage to reignite the passion for your book – it strikes me there isn’t really anywhere else you should be – sounds like you’re well on your way to knowing and doing what you love.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:09 am
Jo, we all love you. No-one expects you to be happy and bubbly all the time. You’re exhausted at the moment and life is always a stuggle in that state. Take some time to care for yourself and nurture yourself. Don’t feel you have to rush about pleasing everyone else. Be selfish and think of you and what you want. Ignore the silly people who say you are not what you should be at 34. Take your time to start finding yourself now. You have a wonderful future ahead of you and the opportunity now to decide what you want to do, but you don’t have to do that today, just enjoy the fact that you can now make some choices about your life, and decide what you want, because you’re worth it and we love you.
Therapist talk over, for now!
July 6th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Ah, but you’re a strong one. You’ll get through it all beautifully. Yes! Pick up your book again! I think that will work wonders.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Ooh I am most annoyed with that person who said you weren’t where you should be at 34…I mean WTF??? I’m 35 and nowhere different from you…Having a husband means jack sh*t most of the time. It’s our 7th wedding anniversary today and he’s away and I have no card or present…Anyway, am NOT feeling sorry for myself – just want to empathise with you. Life with children is exhausting – you are doing nothing wrong – in fact, you’re doing everything right. Just hang on in there. Once both of you little babies are at school (only a couple of months to go) then you’ll have more time to breath. And then you can work out where you’re heading. I still have no idea!! xxx
July 6th, 2009 at 6:35 am
One day at a time
July 6th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Um yeah, how can ANYONE quantify where you should be at a certain age??? That’s just stupid.
You are a far busier person than I, for I prefer the slow-mo of lazy weekends. These past few weeks of Graduation and travel have done me in. I need to get back to routine and peace.
All the best to you Jo!
July 6th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Jo, you know best, don’t you? You know what you need and where you are supposed to be now. I am sitting back in admiration all this time. There must be a reason for that. Do I need to tell you that you’re doing a fabulous job or do you know that already? Come on kid, don’t blog when you’re too tired to think straight. Wait until you’re well rested and have everything back into perspective. You’re doing great!
Hugs,
Irene
July 6th, 2009 at 9:42 am
You only needed to turn up to be liked, but I empathise with what you has typed lady.
And always find time for yourself, and to discover what works best for you.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I have to second Luisa’s comment (as often). Find ways to be “you” again, after all the craziness and chaos. Writing is a great way to do that. =)
July 6th, 2009 at 10:45 am
If you’re happy with where you are that’s all that matters
July 6th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
There’s all sorts of analogies you could make about your life at the moment and roller coasters, but seeing as though you refused to go on them then they are unfortunately redundant.
Perhaps the sock in a washing machine is a good one however. It may stink a little now at the beginning, but when you come out the other end it’ll be fresh and rejuvenated. It might even be a walking sock! (sorry, I’m obsessed).
It was good meeting you this weekend, and I think everyone there had a mask on of some description. Friendships develop rather than emerge fully bloomed and I personally struggle with this processes being artificially accelerated, hence I was often found standing self consciously on the outskirts.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Oooo hope you’re okay? Never mind being where you are at 34; I’ve never known where I was supposed to be at any age, most of what I have down has been by accident and always finds me vaguely surprised and bemused! Sig. other is 42 and he hasn’t a clue…;-)
July 6th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I don’t care if it was a family member – nobody should be saying that you’re “not where you should be” at 34. What a bloody cheek!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:47 am
You have given yourself therapy! Getting it all out in the open is usually a good way to start moving on, one is then able to understand where life is heading. There’s always time to reflect in blogland.
CJ xx
July 7th, 2009 at 6:06 am
I’m fairly new to your blog, so I don’t know you that well, but what I would say is stop being so hard on yourself. You have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do. Forget about the age thing. From the comments above it looks like you have some wonderful friends x
July 7th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Sybil thanks hon, it’s been a rough one and a brilliant one and a kn*ckering one. Hugs.
Hilary thanks lovely. Sometimes it’s good to give yourself a bit of a talking to isn’t it.
Margarita thank you so much, you’re a star and you’re right. x
Domestic Rebel thank you. I love this about blogging. When you need a boost people are so blumming lovely.
Rosie I love you too. Ta for being such a brilliant mate. We’re so lucky with have so many good ones aren’t we. Hugs. x
Luisa thank you. And I want to read your books too. They’re on my to do list.
Maternal Tales I can’t wait for that coffee. You’re such a love. And I’m sure your hubby would rather be with you. Hope you have fun celebrating when he gets back.
Daryl, as usual you are right. I think I jsut tried to do 10 days in a weekend. I’ll cut it back down.
Maureen thanks. I generally prefer a nice mix of busy and quiet. At the moment busy is winning, but quiet times will come. I’ve realised how much I need them too.
Green Stone Woman you are so lovely. Thank you. Sometimes I need to blog when my head is all over though, it kind of helps clear it a bit. Hugs. x
Spd I think it was more just a case of physical and emotional exhaustion after a heavy weekend. It’s been a good experience in lots of ways and has let me know I need to slow down for a few weeks.
Kimberley thanks hon. Writing has been a big part of my recovery and finding myself again. I will plug in my memory stick and get editing.
Akelamalu you’re right, and I am. I’m just a little overwhelmed at times I think.
Dan you are a wise man and I will definitely be a none smelly walking sock. Thanks mate.
Katherine I’m good. Sometimes we need these cr*ppy moments to move us on don’t we. It makes me laugh now when people ask my 8 and 4 year olds what they want to be when they grow up. How can anyone really answer that unless they have a true vocation? Mad.
Expat Mum I told them that, but then I brooded for a bit. I’m where I should be though, as things feel ‘right’. I’m not one for material aspirations, but I have two amazing kids and some amazing friends both off and online as well as a brilliant family. I’m blumming lucky really.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Crystal Jigsaw definitely. I love that. Sometimes stuff is so much easier to say here than in real life. Weird, but that’s just how it is. Hugs.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Yes, where is one ’supposed to be’ at 34?
My favourite people are the ones who never work out where they’re supposed to be, and if they do, prefer to be someone slightly different anyway.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:41 am
I’m 44, and I’m probably not even where one is supposed to be at 34.
I haven’t worked out what I want to do when I grow up, I have a half-painted front room (and has been for months), I keep meaning to learn how to cook with lentils (a promise I made to myself when I weaned my first babe, and he’s now 12), and I’ve never been to Alton Towers.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
…….oh. my .goodness. I can’t keep up with you….
…still running… nearly caught you….