I blumming love these kids.
I love that they love each other.
I love that they actually like each other most of the time too.
At moments like this when I see them together before me, I’m so so glad I have two children.
Not to say people can’t be happy with one, or three, or more, but I always wanted at least two, and there were times when I wasn’t sure it would happen.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t have had more. I love babyhood. I love that warm, safe feeling pregnancy engendered in me. Where I felt so cherished and looked after and well, kind of special I suppose. I know not everyone feels that way, but I enjoyed both my pregnancies, even though they had their moments of fear and worry.
I loved hearing their heartbeats at my midwife apointments.
I loved seeing their little bodies at each scan. I had early pregnancy scares with both girls, so got to see them when they were very tiny. Miss E flapping like a turtle, Miss M a tiny bean, barely visible but with her heart pumping away, shouting life.
I loved preparing for them. Washing tiny clothes, painting their rooms, picking out a teddy with Miss E for her little brother or sister, and a gift from our new baby to our current baby to say hello and let her know she’s still important.
I loved each kick, each wiggle, even the tiny hiccups Miss E gave that grew to body shaking jolts as I neared and then passed my due date.
I loved that I could eat cake in public without feelings of paranoia that people would look at me and think, ‘look at that fat biffer stuffing her face’.
And for once revelling in the expanse of my girth.
I loved changing them after a power poo, you know, the explosive kind that meant a change of clothes for them, and for you too if you were the one holding them at the time. It felt so good to be the one making them all clean and fresh and comfy again. (You think I’m weird now right??)
Even the bits I didn’t like, the indigestion, the back pain, the worries over whether or not our baby would be ok, whether or not I’d be ok, (having had a bleed after Miss E, which happened again after Miss M), and whether or not ‘we’d’ be ok about the changes ahead of us, even those bits I could deal with. They were a means to an end, the price you pay for the ultimate prize of that tiny person you’ve been lucky enough to bring into the world.
I’m so glad I got the chance to do this twice before Mr B and I went our separate ways, as I’m sure he is, because they are a joy and a relief. An anchor in what are otherwise uncertain times.
Why?
Because, well, I’m 34 and single, and as I see my two girls sat cuddling each other on a rainy day in July, I’ve realised that it’s quite possible, or even likely, that I will not have any more children. And sometimes the thought of that makes me feel a little lost and a little sad, not at the loss of a child, but at the loss of even a possibilty of another child.
…But only sometimes.
Because, when it comes down to it, I am lucky.
I already have two beautiful, funny, cheeky, grumpy, curious, independent, caring, bright, happy (I hope) little girls.
And they have each other.
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July 29th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Indeed you do. And blimey, your power poos are something else, so explosive you had to change your kids too. Top bombing. (Inappropriate jokes are back, obviously).
July 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Beautiful post Jo, that’s absolutely how I feel x
July 29th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
SIngle PD, I have no words. And I just spat tea all over my carpet. Thanks for that.
Sandy Calico, thanks. I just love watching them together. Not when they’re squabbling, but when they’re just being so caring and adorable. They’re amazing.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
No, actually, even their squabbles are ocassionally cute.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
How well I know that feeling of joy and bliss that comes from watching two sisters love each other. When we weren’t certain if another one would be in the cards for us or not, that’s what brought me relief and finally contentment. And perhaps that’s why this third one has taken awhile in coming. Maybe those two girls needed that time to truly connect – to become friends the way they have. Either way, it makes me happy to watch them and think I had any hand in it at all.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Oh my good god Jo. Just reading a last few blogs before I go to bed and **sniff** look at what you’ve done to me you bugger.
I love that you love your kids loving each other!
It is one of my greatest hopes that my two will be there for each other as they grow up and move into adulthood. It’s something you just can’t control but you can hope . . .
July 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Tara that’s exactly it. I want them to be able to talk to each other when they can’t talk to me, or when I’ve really annoyed them or when they think I’m a mad decrepit old lady.
I’m one of four and I have that, but I know it doesn’t always work out that way. And Mum if you’re reading this, you’re not a mad decrepit old lady ok? x
July 29th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Great, you made me cry.
But I agree with you, I feel the same about my 2 girls, who love each other SOOOO much sometimes but at other times they don’t. I also am coming to terms with the fact I am not going to have any more but for a different reason to you. I know I am luckier than many people and thank my lucky stars that I have them both.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Thank you for a very moving, evocative and brilliantly written post. Like you I love to see my two girls together and like you I sometimes wonder what might have been if there had been more kids on the horizon. You write so beautifully. But you have also reminded me that I need to address the fact that as twins and always having had each other, my daughters are fearful of being alone. Also I would kick that foul-mouthed specimen SPD into touch, I would not tolerate such talk of shite or any other cussing on my blog, the c***.
Sorry about that, but not to Ian.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
And the three of you together – snuggly, lovey perfection.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
nothing like a smitten mama to make me smile.
I love it.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I enjoyed having two children too and they were not far apart in age, so they were always each other’s buddies. I think they found a lot of solace and companionship in each other and a friend when there was no other one around. I have good memories of the two of them together, especially on our many vacations, when they were each other’s companions. Enjoy them, Jo.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Ahhh,
It’s a funny world. I do worry about Isobel not having an ally.
I do think about not having anymore babies.
But we are all very lucky.
Lovely girlies, lovely post.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:44 am
Beautiful post! I also loved all that stuff! LOL! I don’t think it matters if you have 1 or 10. Each and every one is a blessing! And don’t say never just yet. You still have plenty of time if ever comes to it. Several of my friends have just had babies and they are in their early 40’s.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Two is a perfect number…
Sandi
July 30th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Two cute!
Great post x
July 30th, 2009 at 10:03 am
{sniff, tear} What a beautiful post! I was just trying to explain to Noah the other day why, even though I had a somewhat difficult pregnancy with Ethan, I looked forward to being pregnant again one day and having another child. You have summed it up perfectly.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Beautiful post. I too am glad that I have my two little girls (even when they squabble). When I was your age (and HELL that makes me feel old now!) I didn’t think I could have kids. Mother nature proved me wrong and for that I am eternally grateful.
I should also like to point out that, at 34, you are two years younger than I was when I had the first of my two. One of my friends, aged 43, has just had a baby boy, and my grandmother was 46 when she had my mother. Never say never!
July 30th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I agree. Never is a very long time. My friend Tara had her first baby at 42. You have a LOT of time left to decide, sweetie!
August 1st, 2009 at 6:14 am
Ooooh, I loved all those bits too.
I also want to know, even though you are not in the baby business at the moment, and maybe won’t be again, do you still work out what the due date would be, every time you get your period? I do.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:25 am
What a beautiful post. I like that it brings a tear to the eye even though it contains the phrase fat biffer in it. Genius! I have two girls also. They bicker and love in equal measure. As do I.
Lovely, lovely warm feeling now! Awww…I am going to go before I turn into mush…
August 1st, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Lovely girls. Lovely pictures. Lovely words. Hope you’re doing OK x
August 5th, 2009 at 6:54 am
What a lovely post! I hope my 2 will grow as close as yours!