It’s night time again and my 4 year old is exhausted. Having spent a teacher training day bouncing, wrestling and chattering with her 5 and 2 year old cousins in our back garden, I expect her to fall asleep as soon as her head touches the princess emblazoned pink of her pillow. But no. It seems when Miss M is physically tired but hasn’t been at school or nursery, her mind seems to wake up just as her body is ready for rest.
Miss M: Mummy, my think Cerrie tucks her arm in.
Me: Pardon babe.
Miss M: My think Cerrie tucks her arm in because she’s got a poor poor and doesn’t want anyone to see it.
I study my little girl’s face, smile, take a deep breath and then talk slowly and gently.
Me: Is Cerrie the lady on Cbeebies babe? The lady with part of her arm missing?
Miss M: ”Yes. But her arm is dere. She just tucks it in.”
Me: ”No babe. She doesn’t tuck it in. Her arm isn’t there. She might have lost it in an accident, or she might have just been born without it…”
M’s eyes widen and she places her small hand on my arm.
Miss M: ”But how did she lose it Mummy. Where did it go?”
Me: ”Well, she might have been in an accident and the doctors might have had to cut her arm off to make her better. They would have given her medicine and stitched it up and made it so it didn’t hurt her hon. And she’d have had medicine to put her to sleep while they did the operation.”
I’m floundering a little. I don’t want to scare her, especially just before bed time, but I don’t want to lie either. M is fidgeting a little. She picks up a book and flicks through a few pages. I take a deep breath and try again.
Me: She might have been born without an arm though sweetie. Some people are born without arms or legs sometimes M. It’s just something that happens. It makes us realise how lucky we are to have our arms and legs doesn’t it?”
I wiggle my fingers and pull a daft face at her.
Miss M: ”But where is her arm. Do her Mummy and Daddy have it?”
Me: ”No hon. She just maybe didn’t grow properly when she was in her Mummy’s tummy. She’s ok though. She’s happy and smiley and she does her job and lives her life just like we do. She’s just different, but we’re all different aren’t we? It makes life interesting.”
Miss M has switched off. I haven’t told her what she wants to hear, but it feels important that I pursue this further with her.
Me: ”Have you been thinking about Cerrie a bit babe?”
She rolls from her bed into my lap and wraps her arms around my neck and I squeeze her close.
Me: ”Shall we try to find out more about Cerrie M. To see why she hasn’t got all of her arm?”
M nods and I hold her for a little longer then help her clamber back into bed. She snuggles down, closes her eyes and slips her thumb into her mouth as her other hand rests above her ear and begins to twirl at a tendril of dark hair. I kiss her forehead and whisper a goodnight, reassuring her that I’ll be back in ‘a quiet five minutes’, following the routine of our night time ritual.
And I walk away wondering, have I done the right thing?
Did I push it a little too much?
I mean, I think it’s great Cerrie is on Cbeebies. She’s smiley, positive and warm. What more could you ask for in a presenter. I know her presence has caused some controversy with a few small minded people who saw her as an instigator of fear in their children, and I get that children find new things alarming at times, but was I right to not allow her to ‘protect’ herself with the idea that Cerrie’s arm is actually there but just hidden?
I think I did the right thing, I really do. I think my kid is bright enough and grounded enough and that it would have been wrong to allow her to think something different. But she wasn’t altogether comfortable..
What do you think?
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September 28th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Oh bless your sweet girl! You did the right thing IMHO I have a total no lying policy. If Miss L asks me a question she gets a straight answer. However does mean my baby girl at 6 knows (age appropriately) about Cerrie’s arm, Santa (she guessed it was me), where babies come from, where meat comes from, cancer and 9/11 or when the buildings fell down as she calls it. They are little, not stupid and I don’t see a problem in age appropriate honest answers. It also means that my daughter rarely lies to me, there’s no need to and she’s never learnt to be evasive. I guess that will change over the next few years but I hope it won’t by setting a precident.
September 28th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I think she’s a bit crap to be honest. Not because of her missing arm, but because she’s a bit crap. So’s her mate – the other bland crap one.
That one with the sort of blond hair was much better. Can’t remember her name. She was in her early thirties at a guess and was on it about two years ago. Not sarah Jane (although speaking of her… hubba hubba! I’d Higgldy Piggldy her house any day of the week).
Poi used top play Po on tellytubbies you know. And Justin was Jake and Doodles from the tweenies. That’s pedigree for you. None of this bland crapness of Cerrie and her sidekick.
Bring back Derick Griffith and Brian Cant! And where’s Dave Benson Philips when you need him?
Err…
yes, you did the right thing in telling her. Although personally I’d have said a crocodile bit it off one day when it came out of the toilet bowl when she was using a public loo. But then again I generally aim to emotionally scar my kids whenever I can.
September 28th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Am slightly worried at the extend of Dan’s ‘background’ knowledge of children’s TV characters.
Having said that, I have to agree that she’s pretty rubbish, but no more rubbish than the rest of the too perky for daytime bunch.
You totally didn the right thing and I wrote about this very subject myself a while back and there were some brilliant comments if you’re looking for reassurance.
The world isn’t a pretty, everything in the right place place. Our children shouldn’t grow up thinking it is because when they do meet someone with one arm or who looks slightly different when they are older, you can bet their responses won’t vere on the cute side!
http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/2009/02/is-one-armed-cbeebies-presenter-scaring.html
By the way, I’ve been talking about you behind your back . . . all good stuff I hasten to add. x
September 28th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
You did the right thing, Jo. My kids were very young when they had a little friend who only had one arm. He was born that way and no big deal was made of it. He was just Craig and they played with him just like any other kid. None of us grown ups had to pretend any other thing than that he was born with his arm missing and the kids were never traumatized.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I think you did exactly the right thing! I have always been honest with my children about stuff like this. How else are they supposed to learn? I think kids are far more likely to be traumatized by the unknown. Their imagination can sometime runaway with them.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
You did the right thing Jo.
When you talk again, take your cue from Miss M. She told you that Cerrie’s arm had a poor poor. She’s right. It is so poor poor it isn’t there. That’s all. So it’s not poor poor anymore, and she just uses her other arm instead.
Keep it simple. Use her language.
You did the right thing. We can’t always stay totally in our comfort zones. Even when only 4. But using her language keeps a big element of that comfort zone while she learns…
September 28th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
You did the right thing ABSOLUTELY.
Kids can handle pretty much anything, as long as it’s told to them tactfully, carefully and matter of factly, all of which you did. That goes for dead pets, relatives, missing limbs, 911 – anything can be told to a kid as long as someone with brains and compassion is doing the telling.
And I’ve never even heard of this show. I really don’t miss kids’ shows, though!
September 28th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
You’re probably reading more into it than is going on in her little head. She may seem perplaxed because she literally wants to know what happened to her arm, ie, where is it now? The fact that she has half a lmb missing is probably not that shocking to her.
September 28th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
It’s times like this that I realise my daughters are growing up. At one time I could have talked at length about the pros and cons of Cbeebies presenters, but my two girls don’t watch it anymore (ages 9 and 12). It’s quite a wrench to realise your babies aren’t babies anymore.
Btw, I think you handled the subject of Cerrie’s disablity very well. Children just want to *know* don’t they, they don’t judge unless we do.
September 29th, 2009 at 1:02 am
I was going to leave an erudite comment here, but then I read what Dan had to say and fell of my chair laughing. Should a grown man really admit to knowing who played Doodles? Hmmm.
PS: I think you did the right thing, Jo. My mum’s late partner had to have both legs amputated below the knee. His daughter was really concerned about explaining this to her two children who were then aged 2 and 4, I think. The four-year-old listened carefully to her ‘grandad’s got no legs’ explanation, then kindly patted her arm and said: “It’s okay mummy, grandad’s got legs. He takes them off at night and leaves them by his bed.” Kids don’t judge, they just accept the truth.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:58 am
I would have found this tricky too but probably would have dealt with it in the same way as you. I’s likely that CBeebies chose Cerrie to provoke this type of discussion among pre-school children and their parents (thanks CBeebies…). My almost 4 year old hasn’t mentioned her arm yet but it’s only a matter of time. I’ll print this post out so I can repeat your words to him when he asks!
September 29th, 2009 at 3:59 am
What they said
Oh, she was born that way but she doesn’t mind, it’s not a poor poor it was just never there – there’s more info on the cbeebies website.
Oh I totally love the Autumn song right now. And Justin’s new show is genius. We watch little else but cbeebies :s
September 29th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Justin is the voice of EVERYTHING on any kids show ever. Arise Sir Justin!!
September 29th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Totally the right thing. If she brings it up again (and it’s not right before bed-time) maybe you could look it up on t’interweb and find out a bit more about Cerrie.
I think she’s rubbish too. And she can’t sing. And she’s got a name I can’t spell, which surely should be Kerry?
September 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
completely the right thing.
kids can understand so much more than we usually give them credit for. You did good.
been mmissing you. Not sure if you’ve been by my blog since July, but I hate to sound like a whinner. I just miss you, is all. ♥ I really get that you have been transitioning, and even though I normally don’t worry about visitors…..I do you, because well…I like you a great deal.
hugs!
September 29th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I think it was the right thing too. No good comes of trickery, and I bet your girl is too smart for such fibs anyway. The truth will out, as they say, and it’s always best to explain the truth gently than it is to hide the truth grandly.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I also think you did the right thing. As Preseli Mags says, children are very accepting of the truth, at least until they hit the “but WHHYYY!” stage. Best to be honest from the off I think.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Totally the right thing. Big E hasn’t noticed yet, he’s only 2 (almost 3) and I think at that age kids just accept the world as it is. Any prejudice they have is learned behaviour. I hope when je does ask I can explain it as well as you.
Dan had me falling off my chair and feeling rather old
. Brian Cant, Derrick Griffith and Floella Benjamin….ahhh the memories. Floella is still on CBeebies after all these years voicing Mama Mirabelle.
As for Justin Fletcher, I had a nightmare he was stalking me when I was pregnant with Little E. Totally freaked me out. Shudder.
September 29th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
My gut feeling is that it isn’t our job to make our kids comfortable, but to teach them and guide them and help them be the best people they can be. We decide when they’re reading to learn and grasp different concepts…and that’s the way it should be. I love that you want her to understand and accept those around her as they are – it’s a very important lesson to teach.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I’ve no doubt you did the right thing. Cerrie’s been put on that show for a reason, to make disabilities more acceptable and where better to start than with little ones.
Other comments about her being crap are also correct..and her co-presenter, I find them both a bit nauseating as is Justin’s new ‘Little Britain’for toddlers show!
Speaking of Justin my OH went to drama school with him and they made a video together. I’ve got it somewhere, may have to contact him and blackmail him into coming and entertaining my kids for free!! HA HA HA!!
September 30th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Even if I had very strong opinions on the subject in one direction or another, in answer to your question “Did I do the right thing?”, I’d answer “yes”, because YOU know YOUR child. In principal, I think it’s good not to avoid questions about disabilities, BUT chidren are different, and are upset by different things. My two boys watched in horror as my daughter laughingly squashed an insect – sorry, going a bit off topic here, but my point is that different things upset children in different ways. So you as the parent have to judge what is the right level of info for your child at a particular point in time. And being YOU, I’d be very confident you got it right.
I think you did do the right thing, for all the obvious reasons, but also because it would have been very upsetting for Miss M if she had got into a conversation with another child who told her the truth, if you had fudged. Also, I think – from your description of the opening of the conversation – that she knew anyway, and was just hoping she was wrong.
Meanwhile, I am very upset by all this talk of who “is” Jake and Doodles, and Po. It makes me think these characters might not be real. You’ll be telling me that Teletubby land doesn’t exist, and that the Tweenies aren’t really in a preschool somewhere. Please, Jo, please tell me these commenters are being sily. Doodles IS a real dog, isn’t he? Please? I want to know the truth, but please tell me they’re all real.
December 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Is`nt it all about educating your children. Everyone is different.
December 29th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Hi Lou, sorry I missed this. And yes it is. Sometimes it’s the blumming adults that need educating though.