Having separated from my husband in February, this year has become a year of new things. It’s also been the hardest year of my life in so many ways, and yet one of the best in so many others. I’m not saying that 16 years ago when I met Mr B at the tender age of 18 that I didn’t wish for happy ever after for us. I did. And I’m not saying that when I married him 10 years ago I didn’t plan on forever, because isn’t that what everybody wants?
But people change, lives change and sometimes forever cannot be.
Of all the occasions that have been faced this year as a separated family, if I’m honest, Christmas has been the one I’ve been dreading most, mainly because it’s all about family and children, and my children’s family has changed. There is no longer a ‘we’ to be woken at 6am on Christmas morning by two small girls, dragging behind them their bulging stockings, eye’s bright with excitement. There will be a ‘me’, which is fine, but which I know might be odd for them.
Mr B will be arriving around 10am to give them his gifts and watch then unwrap their presents from me and from each other, as well as family and friends. I had invited him to come early for the ‘wake up’ moment, but it would have been awkward and we wouldn’t all be piled on one big bed, in our pjs sipping tea and munching chocolate coins as I don’t want him in my room and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be there, so that’s a tradition I can still uphold which is great as it’s one my parents did with me and one I love.
Also on Mr B’s suggestion my girls and I will be spending Christmas day and night at my parents, while he will go to his Mum’s. My plan was that I would have them for Christmas dinner then take them over to his Mum’s for Christmas night. I wanted him to see them Christmas day too, I wanted to be fair, even though the idea made me wince. But before I could put this to him he made my day and truly surprised me when he acknowledged that E and M would want to be with their cousins and my family on Christmas day. He put them first, and I am so relieved and touched by this.
When I received an email about John Lewis’s project of gathering together Rules for a Perfect Family Christmas, I kind of ignored it. It scared me, in that our Christmas is going to be different this year, but you know, Mr B kind of upheld the most important rule there is to be honest.
“Put the children first.”
They’re little for such a very short time, and Christmas memories are so so important. While I can deliver all the other traditions:
- Christmas Decorations go up on December First
- Each child chooses a new decoration to buy each year
- Carrots for Rudolph, Port and a Mince Pie for Satna
- Stocking in bed with Mummy, then downstairs to see if Santa’s been
- Baileys on ice and Bucks Fizz while helping Granny cook dinner
- Prezzie opening with cousins ME, Little J, Granny, Grandad, Uncle Dave and Auntie Helly, Uncle Steve and Auntie Sarah, Uncle Daren and Auntie Claire
- Christmas dinner with all the trimmings
- Time to play, christmas CD’s on the stereo, Trivial Pursuit, board games, wii while Grandad snoozes
It still took us both to remember the most important one.
Sorry if this is a bit sickly, but it’s all I’ve got. I will be looking forward to seeing what John Lewis come up with though, and then maybe I can spend the vouchers we get on building some new traditions into my girls lives.
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November 21st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Oh wow, my children are adult now (and totally lovely and totally fine)and I have been very happily remarried for years but this sent me straight back to when my marriage had broken up and my children were five and three. Christmas carries on being the hardest time for years and years but it sounds as if you and your children’s father are getting so much right. Good luck!
November 21st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I have to go into work on christmas day, which i am rather unhappy about.
I’m working 3pm – 11pm, so get to spend the morning with my family. but still, it sucks big hairy monkey balls. Espcially as Kerry’s parents are going away for the holidays so she’ll be on her own in the evening too.
Booo
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:51 am
Yep, that definitely sucks big hairy monkey balls. I suggest a good dvd and a bottle of Baileys for Kezza once the kids are in bed. And you could take some mince pies with you?? Hope they provide you with some Christmas dinner at least.
November 21st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
It’s not sickly, it’s perfect.
I hope that you have a special christmas building those new traditions.
xxxxx
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Thanks lovely. I’m looking forward to it a lot more now we’ve got things sorted, but I know Mr B might struggle on Christmas day.
November 21st, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Have you seen the John Lewis ad? It’s actually really good, a welcome change from the ruddy girls coming everywhere for boots… which sounds so much worse written down than what I meant. Ahem. We’re having our first Christmas of “just us” – we’d probably go to my parents out of choice, but R has to work over the Christmas period (though not on the day. Poor Hughses.) so we’ll be forging our own path. Anyway a fair bit of waffle just to say, you’re right, as is Mr B, what lucky girls you have! I’m sure they’ll have a ball
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:54 am
Thanks lovely. And no I’ve not seen the ad yet. I’ll look out for it though. I like me a bit of John Lewis.
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 am
It was a lovely post tinged with the fear I know you feel.
I am lucky, I never had the ‘we’ for christmas and Isobel is so little she doesn’t know either.
We do Christmas Eve with PD instead.
I am sure you will all make it lovely.
(My decs go up on the first too)
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:55 am
Thanks gorgeous. These are the times that are hard. The get togethers and birthdays.
I was so relieved when he suggested it and the girls are really happy so I think we’ll be ok. Roll on the first as well. I can’t wait to get my decs up.
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 am
It was a lovely post tinged with the fear I know you feel.
I am lucky, I never had the ‘we’ for christmas and Isobel is so little she doesn’t know either.
We do Christmas Eve as a little family instead.
I am sure you will all make it lovely.
(My decs go up on the first too)
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:50 am
It’s not sickly. It’s honest and good. I hope you all have a merry Christmas.
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:56 am
Thanks lovely. And you too. Can’t believe it’s this time already.
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:20 am
Not sickly at all. I’m glad to hear you’ve got what could have been a tricky Christmas day sorted out well in advance. Brian’s working on Christmas day so our day will have to be different this year too. Our solution? Spread Christmas out over several days. We’ve tended to do this anyway since my parents got divorced. It makes Christmas eve and Boxing Day that bit more special too. As for decorations, I’d them up right now but I’m not allowed to until after Rosie’s birthday on December 2nd. Then it’ll be all systems go. I do love a nice twinkly tree! Have a great Christmas.
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Me too lovely. You can’t beat CHristmas lights on in the evening when it’s all snug and warm. Sorry Brian is working this year but your solution is perfect. Christmas goes far too fast anyway.
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 am
This is lovely, and I’m so pleased it’s all working out so amicably. I’m sure you’ll have a great day
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Thanks hon. We’re doing ok. Hope yours is wicked too.
November 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 am
Great post Jo – and a timely reminder, too!
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thanks lovely. Hope your CHristmas is fab this year with your gorgeous boys. x
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:12 am
very smart two special people gave them those memories and they should endure sandy
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Definitely. We can build on them this way rather than make them feel they’ve lost something.
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:17 am
Christmas is definitely a sticky time but it sounds as though you two are going to work it out for the best – fantastic xx
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
It is isn’t it, but I’m hoping we’ll be ok. Hope yours is good. I’ll miss mine on boxing day but I know their dad will make sure they’re having a wonderful time.
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:43 am
i must be feeling very emotional today because caused a little lump in my throat. so pleased he’s putting the girls first and you get to spend the day with them. x
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Thanks Heather. It really touched me when he said it. I was just so pleased and grateful.
November 22nd, 2009 at 8:14 am
You’re right about the Christmas memories, my memory is in tatters at the best of times, but I can clearly remember most Christmas days from when I was young.
You’ll be fine.
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:05 am
It’s good that MrB is making the girls the priority. It’s awful when parents who split think of themselves first. Glad to hear that you and Mr.B have sorted Christmas amicably. x
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
I’m so so relieved lovely. I think that’s what’s got us through a lot of things. Focusing on the girls. They’re the best thing in both of our lives.
November 22nd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
So, so true. It IS about the kids, and they are going to love their old and new traditions. You two are great parents.
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Your are so lucky that sounds very civil – we alternate Christmas and it’s awful, awful, awful when she’s not here,thankfully she is this year x
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am
We are so pressured to have a “perfect Christmas” when it’s really an impossibility. Things go wrong, family has issues, etc, etc, etc.
I would dearly love a quiet Christmas one year; one when we three can just stay home all day long and not have the hustle and bustle of two huge family dinners… I know that sounds selfish, but just hubby, daughter and myself on a blustry winter day alone sounds wonderful.
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
New traditions get made all the time, else they would not exist in the first place.
My Christmas wish for you is a year of peace and simple pleasures for you and yours, with health and all the happiness your home can hold. You deserve it.
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
It’s not sickly at all and how lovely that he put the children first. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas x
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Jo, this post is absolutely brilliant. This is why you are the most influential mummy blogger in the UK. I’ve read it twice but the first time felt too emotional to comment because I know you all and love you all and I had not realised what a big deal Christmas is going to be this year. I should have realised. So I’ve come back with a calmer head to say Chistmas will still be magical for the girls. It will be different but they will be surrounded by the people who love them, and that is what matters.
Just one thing though. Your girls drink Baileys on ice while granny makes dinner? Ahem.
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Your post gave me goosebumps and brought a tear to my eye. You are absolutely right, there is only one rule that matters. Well said, and I’m sure your girls will have a wonderful Christmas.
xx
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Christmas will be bittersweet for me too – my partner and I are together, but my family is half a world away in New Zealand. So while I’m really looking forward to the first Christmas that my daughter will actually able to participate in (she’ll be 17 months) part of me will also be sad that she’s not sharing the day with her all Kiwi cousins, aunties and uncles, and her Nana and Pop. But as long as I’ve got my little girl near me, I’ll be happy!!
November 24th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I think the first Christmas after a separation must be so so hard. It sounds like Mr. B is a very good man to have put his children first, over any desires for himself.
A great post, so well written and so clear about all the issues that face a newly separated parent. Hugs. x