Often I float, a leaf on a river, taken, carried. Sometimes I reach warm gentle pools where sun dapples the almost still surface, where animals and insects play and live and all seems abundance, and ease and calm.
Other times the waters are not so smooth, and I am not carried but forced on by an overwhelming torrent that has no thought for this slither of green choking in its angry froth.
Sometimes I snag on the rocks, am pushed breathless below the surface, hoping to be released from the bubbles and the darkness but with no power to bring about my own salvation.
I am but a leaf, fallen from a tree, limbless, powerless, adrift.
This is my first post for my 30 days of truth, the subject being something you hate about yourself. Hate is such a strong word that at first I was floored, but then I thought about it, hence the leafiness.
When things happen that I have no control over, such as finding out we have to move house, or waiting to hear if I’ve got a job interview, I tend to think ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be.’
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see this as altogether a bad thing. It’s a way of getting through, staying hopeful and taking the pressure off, but I know at other times, my trust in fate is bad for me. That easy belief in ‘what will be will be’ relieves me of the responsibility of making a decision to act. It allows me to ‘accept’ what happens to me, rather than instigate my own changes. It renders me inert.
My fatalistic leanings have allowed me to become a victim in some ways, not so much of other people, but of my self. I have little faith in my ability to make changes, to control my own destiny, and I hate it.
HATE
So I’m trying to see myself less as a leaf, but more as a ’something’ on a leaf. A person with arms and legs and hopes and dreams, who can choose to float, but when the waters get choppy can paddle and row and fight the current to get to the place I choose to be.
In fact, let’s get rid of the leaf analogy and stick me on a boat – we all know my bottom is way too large for any leaf to carry – and while I think about it, I wouldn’t mind a motor and a crew and a life jacket or two, so I can decide whether to sink or swim, or just tread water for a bit.
Information:
I found the 30 Days of Truth at my lovely friend Cami’s . The writing prompts are below if you want to join in.
Writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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March 12th, 2011 at 6:19 pm
So weird, because I don’t see you like that at ALL. I see you as crazy strong and capable of pretty much anything! I’m pretty sure your kids see you like that, too.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Awwwwww I hope so. I see you that way too Miss Syb. You say what you think, you speak from the heart and you are fierce in a good way. I just wish I wasn’t so crappy at confrontation. I get there in the end but it’s always a battle.
March 12th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
Wow, I’m looking forward to reading you over the next 30 days.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
It might take me longer than that lovely, but I need to do this. I think it will be good for me. If you want to join in at any time let me know.
March 12th, 2011 at 9:08 pm
<3
March 14th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Right back at you lovely. x
March 13th, 2011 at 10:00 am
Inspired. A list to give to young girls (and boys) so they get to ‘our age’ liking themselves.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:05 pm
I hadn’t thought about a young person doing this Mel, but actually that could be quite cool.
March 13th, 2011 at 4:13 pm
That was a powerful post, I can’t wait to read the rest.
March 14th, 2011 at 5:09 pm
Thanks lovely. My head’s a bit all over right now so I think this might be good for me. x
March 15th, 2011 at 4:19 pm
You have hit the nail (or leaf) on the head exactly. I am the same. I think sometimes having this mindset helps me be calm and accept that not everything is in my control. But at others it is just a cop out.
I love your blog and will look forward to reading it even more now.
March 16th, 2011 at 9:34 am
A beautiful analagy of passing through lifes turbulant waters.
Look forward to reading the rest
x