One day I hope to love and be loved, truly, wholeheartedly, helplessly and hopelessly. Without inhibition, doubt or fear.
Sometimes I wonder, is this possible?
It’s not that I don’t believe that there is someone out there who will accept me for me, but more that I can’t accept me for me.
Years of eating disorders and hormone related depression have taken their toll on my body, and having been indoctrinated as a child that I am ‘physically lacking’ it is hard for me to believe that someone might find me attractive. They might fall in love with me, but not my body. They might lust after my mind but not my behind as it were, and yet it is still something I long for…physical perfection, or at least the belief that in the words of Mr Wan, I can ‘look good naked’ and not only that but feel good – you know, safe, comfortable, free.
Sometimes it scares me that I will never be happy just being me. That I will never be comfortable unclothed in front of someone I love. I know that there’s nothing anybody can do about it but myself, and I do hope to get there someday. I just wish I knew where to start.
Most of us need to love ourselves a little bit more. Has anyone out there found a way?
**I found the 30 Days of Truth at my lovely friend Cami’s . The writing prompts are below if you want to join in.
Writing prompts for 30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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October 10th, 2011 at 2:16 pm
It’s taken me 39 years and a genius cognitive hypnotherapist called Trevor Silvester but yes, I have and now I know it is possible. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible. We just need a little bit of selective reprogramming of our brains!
October 10th, 2011 at 3:00 pm
You know Mr Silvester is doing some pretty good stuff for me too right now. I wish he’d do one on self esteem though. It would be amazing.
October 20th, 2011 at 5:28 am
I think there is something like that in the new range of products?
Try looking at this http://www.lovingmylife.co.uk/Creating-fulfilment
October 20th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Oh I will definitely check that out. Thanks so much lovely.
October 10th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
I think everyone needs to work on this to some extent, even if they are physically and mentally healthy. Society does a number on women, and that combined with tons of other factors (familial, environmental, etc) makes it very hard not to have a skewed view of oneself. I don’t care for myself the way one should either, and I really should spend some time working on it. Good for you, Jo. I know someday you will be happy and healthy in your own skin no matter what the world brings to your door. XOXO
October 10th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
Thanks lovely. I always think you sound pretty sorted and content, but there’s always something isn’t there? Hugs and happiness to you too my friend. xx
October 10th, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I have my days, but overall – I fucking LOVE myself. Seriously! I mean, I’m faaaaaar from perfect, but so is everyone else I know, actually. I look DAMN good, considering I do nothing to look better.
Every now and then, though – I get very, very down on myself. I find that pulling my own head out of my ass and doing something with my kid, or going somewhere, or doing ANYTHING, but thinking about me, me, me tends to change my perspective.
I do know this, though- you are seriously and truly a remarkable, beautiful woman – inside AND out. Any man would be damned lucky to have you!
(Also, most men are just damned excited to have a naked chick there, and will only notice your “flaws” if you point them out. Trust me on this one!!)
October 11th, 2011 at 6:47 am
Sybil babe, you are truly gorgeous and I love you. I am just so hung up on my body image. Maybe it’s a Catholic thing but I feel shame and I hate that. I look at myself and can’t imagine anyone would truly like my body or see something attractive there. I know I need to work on this, and I know sexy is more than just physical appearance, but I don’t know how to change the habits of a lifetime. I’m working on myself physically and really enjoying exercising and making healthier choices, but I need to find a way to change how I think. xxxx
October 11th, 2011 at 1:58 am
But I already love you like that, JoBo…
Lovely post xx
October 11th, 2011 at 6:48 am
Awwww I love you too hon. I just need to love my skin more and all that. xx
October 11th, 2011 at 2:43 am
I could write an essay on this. I do not understand how my man could love my battered and disfigured body after all it has been through, especially when I hate it so much
October 11th, 2011 at 6:49 am
Big hugs lovely. We have so much in common don’t we. If I find an answer I’ll pass it on cos we deserve to love ourselves. xxxx
October 11th, 2011 at 6:34 am
Oh Jo, you are the most gorgeous woman, you really are, and it’s terrible you don’t know it. I heartily recommend Caitlin Moran’s book, How to be a woman. Great stuff on body image, which I certainly agonise over too (don’t we all?) and best of all, it’s hilarious xx
October 11th, 2011 at 6:49 am
Alice I will buy it, definitely. I do like Caitlin Moran. Thanks so much lovely. xxxx
October 11th, 2011 at 7:27 pm
In answer to your question, yes, I think I have. It’s taken 46 years!
For me, it’s all about getting head knowledge into the heart. The longest 12 inches in the world… I know that I have a skewed self-image because of upbringing, cultural pressures, past relationships, etc. I know that pretty much all women struggle with body image, for the reasons so often discussed on blogs.
Can I send you a book? It’s all about the false narratives we carry, and how they affect us, every day. I think it would help with the Catholic guilt and shame thing.
October 17th, 2011 at 11:04 am
Iota that would be fab. Could you email me the name and author? Then I can get it on Amazon rather than you spending a fortune in postage. Thanks lovely.
October 12th, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Jo, I think you are super gorgeous, though I don’t think I’m your target audience
Seriously – agree with DD, H2BAW by Caitlin Moran is a great read. Confidence is key.
KM x
October 17th, 2011 at 11:06 am
Awwww thanks lovely. I started reading it today and it’s ringing so many bells. And yes, confidence is definitely key x
October 13th, 2011 at 4:56 am
Your words “without inhibition, doubt or fear” strike a cord with me. I’m 42 and after a few unsuccessful relationships I’ve recently met a wonderful man who loves me for who I am [warts and all]. What a breath of fresh air! This in turn has made me feel comfortable enough to be myself and express how I feel. I believe that one will always have doubt about oneself when meeting someone new. Its the fear and inhibition that have to be overcome. Mind and body come as a package and when someone falls in love with your mind, the body to them will more than likely be an afterthought. If someone falls in love with your body and disregards your mind they are clearly wrong for you!
What I’ve also learned is not to slip into ‘magical thinking’. Never assume that a man knows how you are feeling and what you are thinking. If you have fear, inhibition and doubt – talk about it. Also, never assume that you know what a man is thinking about you. We very often get it wrong!
You will feel comfortable unclothed in front of a man [both physically and mentally]. Trust me on this one!
Lou x
October 17th, 2011 at 11:15 am
Hi Lou
Thank you so much for your reply. Those are some wise words, especially “Mind and body come as a package and when someone falls in love with your mind, the body to them will more than likely be an afterthought. If someone falls in love with your body and disregards your mind they are clearly wrong for you!”
And you’re right about being ok ‘mentally unclothed’ as well as physically. I suppose it’s all about being comfortable with yourself.
Take care and enjoy your lovely man. x
October 14th, 2011 at 11:56 am
Like most people, I have days where I hate the wobbly tummy and turkey neck and wrinkles and and and… but mostly I don’t really worry about how I look. I genuinely don’t. My dire wardrobe is testament to that. Perhaps it’s because I have a husband who I know loves me regardless. And I’m a very lucky person because of that. I imagine if I was single all of my fears about how I look would come rushing right at me. God forbid – I’d have to do something with the lady garden area!
But I’ve met you (at Cybermummy) and I think you’re gorgeous. So try to believe it.
October 17th, 2011 at 11:17 am
Omg you made me laugh so much.
It is scary being single again, but it’s more a feeling a wanting to be ready when I do meet someone. I’m not in any rush for that to happen, but I want to feel better about me for me. And yes, I too want to find me a man who loves me what ever state of trim my lady garden is in. 
October 16th, 2011 at 9:36 am
awww hun *hugs* I have the opposite problem, people only seem to want me for my looks, for one night, no one cares about what’s inside. But I hope for the same thing, real love. We’ll both find it someday.
I wish I could help you to love yourself but I think it’s one of those things you have to figure out yourself, you get to a point where you don’t hate yourself, then you don’t dislike yourself, then you’re ok, then you like yourself a bit, and eventually you look in the mirror and are happy.
October 17th, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Awww I said a long time ago when you started doing these posts that I would ‘try’ and do them. Just not sure I can confront my fears or let the world know them. Can totally relate. I’m glad you are getting some help with this with the hypnotherapist though. x
October 18th, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Ohh Jo if only any of us had the answer for you but as you said only you can change it. I struggle too…
I popped over here today as I am writing a post and linking to you and my link words are warm and beautiful, that is the only way I can think of you.
Mich x
October 27th, 2011 at 5:50 pm
I felt every word of that. Every. Single. One.
If only there were a magic wand we could wave!
Here, lovely JoBo, have one of my squishiest hugs instead!
xxxxx