I know part of this is my PMDD and depression, but I suppose it’s started to mean too much to my psyche and I can’t stand the thought of watching myself fall down and fail.  Call me a coward if you want, but it’s hard to imagine you might lose one of the only things anyone has ever made you feel you were good at.  It’s 5.00 in the morning again and my head won’t turn off and I can’t do this anymore.  I’m going to wait for the joy to come back a little.  Hopefully it won’t take too long.

UPDATE
Thanks so much everyone. I promise this is a health thing. I don’t feel bullied or driven out, just kind of exhausted and needing to look after myself a bit more physically so I can be the best for my kids and for myself. I know I’ll be back as I love blogging and all the friends I have made so much. It might just be a week, it might be more but I will be back.

Ju don’t worry lovely. I know it’s hard because we’re so far away but I am ok. You know what it’s like and you know me. Love you loads and please don’t worry.

And there is a site here I may be spending some time on.  Isn’t it weird that sometimes things seem to happen when you need them??

Breaking the Silence

“This is a blog from Lyn Jenkins and Linda Jones.  Lyn is a regional co-ordinator with Mind and Linda is a journalist.  Both are involved with a mental health project in the Midlands and this will be their blog to chart progress, discuss issues and highlight articles and resources they hope may be of interest. “

Reasons to be Cheerful Part II

Dinner at Mum’s

Coffee at Rosie Scribble’s

Cuddles from small people

and the following conversation…

IJ and Miss M enter the room bedecked in Disney Princess finery and enormous grins.

Miss M:  ”We are getting married.”

Me:  ”Oh, are you both going to marry a handsome prince?”

Miss M:  ”No, we’re sharing.”

One of the most important things I want her to know is that she can talk to anyone about it – me, her Granny, her Aunties, my friends, her friends, and yet I don’t blumming well take my own advice and speak to these same people about my own situation.

I am so mad at me I want to kick my own bottom but I am not limber enough to do so due to my not having a leg like an owl’s head.  Tsk.

So I’m having a bit of a crisis.  After a few recent changes in my life I decided it might be a good idea to mess with, experiment with, change my meds.  I mean, what with being an almost ‘qualified doctor’ and all that it didn’t seem too big a deal for me to miss out the one thing that first uncovered my PMDD.  I mean, it’s gross, it’s messy and I’m so much better than I have been in such a long time.  What better time to bugger myself up big time attempt something new?

Except, well, I’m actually not a qualified GP .  I know, you’re shocked.  So missing out the Cyclogest I am meant to take from day 12 of my cycle until my next period was, with hindsight, a but silly.

The result?

Weeping, sleeping, an unbelievably heavy period that has left me feeling pale, knackered and anaemic (not good when you’re already on iron), and a brain that will not rest, will not turn off and yet cannot actually process much in the way of sensible thought.  The blues are hitting big time, which means I inevitably turn to chocolate, which means I tend to feel even worse, which means I get more depressed and eat more chocolate.

Arse biscuits!

I know only I can stop the cycle, and I have so many things in my life right now to feel good about it seems ridiculous that I can feel myself spiraling down again, so I have a plan.

I’m going to find something positive in each day and blog it.  However small, insignificant, daft, I will find it, and hell, if I struggle to think of anything I might even makes something up, for example;

“Today I rescued a tiny horse no bigger than my hand from the jaws of a rabid fink, and rehomed it with a lonely moose.”

But for now, it’s 5.30pm and the perfect example is just about to walk in my door.

Reasons to be cheerful, part 1, my kids are home.

I owe meme’s to so many people – Dan, Potty, Anna, Tim, Erica, and Rosie

But as I am hormonally challenged today I have decided to go with short, sweet and happy.  So I have Rosie’s Shiny Happy People Meme

The rules of the Shiny Happy People Meme are simple:

Name a song that makes you happy -  a song you would listen to if you needed a sudden injection of happiness.

Post an image that makes you smile,  it can be anything  – a silly photo, an image taken from the internet,  anything at all that puts a smile on your face (and isn’t too rude!)

As a music lover there are so many songs that make me happy, but this one is so sweet and funny and whimsical, and is by a band I have always loved.  The only ‘postable’ youtube version I could add that has the proper song on it has also been thoughtfully illustrated by a lovely fan your delight and entertainment.  I can only apologise for the clip between 22-28 seconds.  You may want to close your eyes.  If you read the lyrics as you go you’ll know why.

But the song?

Close your eyes and enjoy “Being Around”  by the fabulous Lemonheads

If I was in the fridge, would you open the door?
If I was the grass, would you mow your lawn?
If I was your body, would you still wear clothes?
If I was a booger, would you blow your nose?
Would you keep it? Would you eat it?
I’m just tryin to give myself a reason, for being around.

If I was the front porch swing would you let me hang?
If I was the dance floor would you shake your thing?
If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce
Up and down inside your bank account?
Would ya trust me, not to break you?
I’m just tryin really hard to make you,
notice me being around.

If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?
If I was a maid, could I clean your flat?
If I was the carpet would ya wipe your feet,
In time to save me from mud off the street?
If you like me, if you love me,
why don’t you get down on your knees
and scrub me?
I’m a little grubby
From being around.

As for an image that makes me smile, well my Ostrich always makes me smile, that’s why I have her here, and I can’t go for this snow picture as I’ve only just blogged it, so I’ll go for this one.  This is what happens when you leave my brothers up late with a Wii and several cans of Fosters on Christmas Night.

I am so proud

LATE ADDITION

Whoops, proof I am currently battling with crazy hormones, I have forgotten to tag anyone, but as this lovely meme is already all over the blogosphere I am going to tag anyone who hasn’t done it yet and would like to.

I could write something really deep and meaningful as a title for this picture

like

’sometimes it’s ok to pull in different directions’,

or

‘I got your back’

or

‘Sometime you’re up, sometimes you’re down’

But that would be so cheesy I would possibly explode, and there’s a chance you might puke on my blog. So instead I will call is this;

‘E and M on a swing in a pub.’

Slightly dull I know but I was looking through some old pics and this one made me smile. So this is a totally selfish post as I am all hormonal and soppy. Put up with it people, or I will cry and you will feel so guilty you will have to buy me a camel.

…the time

Happy Birthday Miss M.  5 today our beautiful girl, our  little whirlwind.
I love how you see the world.  I love how you put on funny accents when you play with your dolls.  I love how you tell me that everything you say today is right because “it’s my bursday Mummy.”

Great big huge wockachonking cuddles to you monkeybum, from Mummy and E and Daddy too.

I am a blog
I belong to a woman called Jo
Sometimes she’s a little naive
Sometimes she’s not
Sometimes she likes soggy weetabix, watching Twilight on Blu-Ray, and singing at the top of her voice in a weird operatic style that makes her kids put their hands over their ears and occasionally gives her gerbils migraines.
Sometimes she writes weird posts in the 3rd person and gives voices to things that don’t normally have voices, like ostriches, rabbits and vegetables.
Sometimes she doesn’t

I am a blog
I’m written by a woman called Jo
She blogs for fun, for her kids’ memories, for her sanity
She blogs because she loves to write, she loves to read and she loves to learn
She blogs because she loves to engage and share and smile
I am a blog
Just a blog

I commented on a post last night.  It was a post that I am sure was intended to  be a positive and warm outreaching to new bloggers.  Tots 100 Author and Mummy blogger Sally Whittle has begun a meme to encourage new bloggers to comment.  I have no issue with that.  Commenting is fab.  It creates discussion, it builds friendships, and it’s fun.  Hell a blog without comments is a lonely place if you’re in it for the friendships.

But what upset me, not so much from that post but also from comments flying around twitter, facebook, BMB, is an underlying feeling of an ‘us and them’ situation, and the accusation of there being ‘cliques’.

So late at night, after seeing a tweet, I commented…

It may not have been the right thing to do.  But blogging used to be about having fun, exploring and making new friends.  Yes there were established bloggers, but they were there because they had been doing it longer.  You commented and if they commented back you’d made a friend.  If not you assumed they were too inundated with life and just couldn’t answer everything.   Look back at any older blogger’s early posts and you can see we all started with no comments, no friends and a little tentatively.  But we carried on because we loved it.

I haven’t the time now to write a deep and heavy post about oldies and newbies.  I hate all of that anyway and I have two little girls to get to school just like anyone else.  But I would love to get it out there and give people a chance to say how they really feel.

I think anyone who knows me will be aware I’m a nice person.   I really do care about what I say and do on the internet and try always to be kind, as do every single one of the bloggers who have become true friends as well as blog buddies.  My motives are nothing but good.  I just feel this needs sorting out before it all explodes.  Please if you feel the need, are interested, upset, angry, don’t even think there’s an issue, please comment here.  You can be anonymous if it makes you feel better.  I just think there’s some stuff that maybe needs to be said and needs to be heard, positive or negative.  Otherwise more people are going to feel sad and hurt and the community, which truly does exist, is going to be a darker place without it.

As I said in my second comment at Sally’s,

I’m not trying to create an argument here I promise. I just feel there’s something coming into blogging that hasn’t been there before and it makes me sad that there seems to be a ‘them and us’ thing. Blogging is meant to be fun. If someone is in it for a different reason then that may be where the problem lies.

Go out and have fun everybody. Please please please.

UPDATE

Comments have now been closed on this post.  It was never my intention to cause upset.  I suppose what has been highlighted is that there is a lot of ill feeling out there and that’s what makes me so sad.  I will be removing/editing some comments  for legal reasons.

And if I knew of somewhere you could get a bespoke ‘Turtle does Tango’ outfit for your small aquatic friend…you would want me to tell you right?

AND,

If I knew of a secret way to stop you spending hours going all round the houses, hitting dead ends, going up one way streets, down iffy litter strewn alleyways that smell of  sausage rolls, and falling into gaps between badly laid paving stones… you would want me to tell you right?

So, you won’t have a problem with me telling you about a place where you can find how to do Valentine’s Day on the cheap, but not actually look cheap yourself.  Because that’s a good thing right?   Sighhhh, is it not wonderful?

I especially like this one,

‘Make a Kiss Basket’

put together a basket filled with slips of paper that each say a different way to kiss…challenge yourself to come up with 50 different kisses that you’d love to give your lover.

I mean any man/lady would like a list of kisses rather than a trip to Paris, a bunch of roses or some Carte D’or Earrings any day of the week right?

So I have decided to begin my own list of 50 Ways to Snog your Lover, to get you on your way.

1.  French
2.  Sloppy
3.  Noisy
4.  Teeth clashing
5.  Cheek peck
6.  Nibble on ear
7.  Wearing Wellingtons
8.  Standing on a box
9.  While being watched by your goldfish
10. Quite close to a monkey

The next 40 I’m hoping might come from you lot in the way of comments.  Come on, be inventive.  The winner gets a box of chocolates I purchased cheap from Boots but which have to be eaten by March 2010.

And the losers?  Well there are no losers at chez Beaufoix because you still get access to the fabulous Valentines bargains made available to you through promotional discount codes for everything from Hallmark to Hamleys.  AND they’re listed alphabetically and also have a latest codes bit so you don’t miss out on any new bobby dazzler deals.

Am I not kind and wonderful and quite possibly almost a genius?

And, if I got a little incentive for writing this post you would want me to tell you right?  Well, I did, but I made it fun and solved your Valentines worries too, which makes me kind hearted and lovely and worthy of throwing your kisses at.

So do your worst. Bring on the snogs.

Mwah

Photo Credit and adapted here

Is it not adorable?

And although she is almost 5 years old and therefore still really quite tiny small.

And although she says ‘mimit’ instead of minute, and ‘bursday’ instead of birthday, and ‘trump’ instead of…well ok, she has no trouble with THAT word.

Although she makes me laugh everyday, for example being distraught that the snow has gone as she was hoping to make a ‘very small snow giraffe.’  Or when I ask her a question at lunch when she is chatting to IJ and she exclaims,

Miss M:  ”Now where were we before we were so wudely interrwupted.”

Even then, with all the extreme cuteness, I have to ask this question…

Should I be worried by the disembodied head?