So

We can’t go home.

Not until the assessor comes on Monday (weather permitting) and even then he or she may need to send for an asbestos specialist. So it could be ages before we get home.

Our little house is still dressed in its seasonal finery.

My Wii Fit Plus lies dusty and alone beneath the seagrass drawers.

I have a ton of stuff to do.

And, sleeping in my old bedroom is frankly messing with my head. I wasnLt well when I was there. I wasn’t always very happy. It takes me back to a kid I didn’t want to be.

Misses E and M are enjoying the attentions of Gran and Grandad, but Mummy is frankly missing her own bed, her wireless laptop, and well, normality really.

I love Christmas, but it’s always a bit of a relief to get back to routine. I know I’m lucky, I know there are people going through hell right now, so I’m trying to look on the bright side and get my head straight, but it’s at times like these when I realise I’m a bit more fragile than I thought I was. One really good thing though, I miss my home. My HOME. I made a home.

By we, I mean myself and Mr B.

Misses E and M seem to have been absolutely and completely fine, which is perfect, but I have to admit Boxing Day without my girls was hard at times, so I’m sure Mr B felt it on Christmas Day.

Sharing our children has been the hardest part of breaking up if I’m honest. In fact it kept us together for probably longer than we should have been. I think the girls are happier people now. Miss M is more confident, and Miss E has found her smile again and seems less fraught, even though there have been ups and downs.

But, I also truly think that Mr B and I are happier people now. I mean I haven’t asked him, and I won’t, but he seems good and I’m really glad about that. I’d love him to move on, meet someone, whatever, and I’m hoping one day I will too.

Bring it on 2010.

I think we’re ready for you.

What do you get for the man in your life who is no longer ‘the man’ in your life but who will always be the man in your kids’ lives?

I’ve been putting this off a little I think, but with 9 sleeps till Christmas it’s definitely about time I got off my butt and bought Mr B a seasonal gift.  As most of you know, me and my husband of almost 16 years went our separate ways in February this year.  It was the right thing to do, for all of us I think, but Christmas was always going to be a biggy, in that for the whole of my adult life he has been a part of mine.

I had decided that it would be ok to leave the choice of gift completely to Misses E and M, so when a certain company asked me to write about their site, offering an incentive for both myself and of course you lot, well I could hardly say no, but also, it seemed the ideal opportunity to let my girls browse the ‘for him’ section, (under £20 of course, baa humbug) in the safety of our own home – and believe me I’m talking safety for myself and other shoppers, not for my dear sweet little monkeys girls.

The thing is, well, Miss M especially was not really very impressed with the ‘For Him’ section.  Because,

Miss M:  ”Dat’s boring Mummy and my Daddy will not like any of it.”

So we head swiftly to the toy section, where after several minutes Miss M comes upon the perfect gift for a 48 year old drummer with a penchant for Glen Morangie, Indie music, techy gadget type stuff and  social history…

Isn’t it just fabulous?

Apparently, Barbie’s Miette is an “Interactive kitten that even cuddles, talks and moves to the music from the movie!  The more you play with her, the more she surprises with new moves and sounds!”

Perfect right?  What more would any man want?

I have a feeling the new moves  little Miette may learn will quite possibly involve being kicked around the room by a large pair of cherry red Docs, sighhhhhh.  As for sounds, well who knows, possibly the odd expletive?  Or the sweet enquiring voice of a 4 year asking her Daddy why Miette’s ‘jaunty hat’ is a bit squished, and what happened to the lovely CD that came with her?

I admit I was tempted (bad Jo), but something tells me Miss M would far prefer this little darling for herself so it may well turn up for her birthday at the end of January if I can convince Daddy to chip in.

As for the other stuff on the site, well these especially caught my eye as my brothers are ridiculously hard to buy for, and the one I already bought for my brother Steve’s birthday a week or so ago went down brilliantly. I’m thinking one for my other brother Dave for his birthday in Jan’, one for Mr B for his birthday in Jan’, and maybe even one as part of my Dad’s Christmas box.  And they’re 3 for 2.  Result!

(You think I’m joking right?   I’m not.)

Anyway, if you’ve still not quite started finished your Christmas shopping, or like me you have a glut of January birthdays, (there’s also my Mum’s, my cousin’s, my godson’s and my mate’s), then head over to Very, open a quick credit account and get £10 off a purchase of at least £20 using this voucher code before December 23rd:

Code ZG252

Personally I’m thinking this item might be my first purchase.

I reckon it will go very well with these.

And if you want to know how Miss M might possibly have got away with saying the word ‘wanky’ to her Grandad, please go here.  It’s all for charity don’t you know.

Later…

• Bathed kids
• Read stories
• Opened wine
• Fell into deep luxurious sleep
• Dreamt of David Tennant/Hugh Jackman/Simon Baker/Chocolate

But people change, lives change and sometimes forever cannot be.

Of all the occasions that have been faced this year as a separated family, if I’m honest, Christmas has been the one I’ve been dreading most, mainly because it’s all about family and children, and my children’s family has changed.  There is no longer a ‘we’ to be woken at 6am on Christmas morning by two small girls, dragging behind them their bulging stockings, eye’s bright with excitement.  There will be a ‘me’, which is fine, but which I know might be odd for them.

Mr B will be arriving around 10am to give them his gifts and watch then unwrap their presents from me and from each other, as well as family and friends.  I had invited him to come early for the ‘wake up’ moment, but it would have been awkward and we wouldn’t all be piled on one big bed, in our pjs sipping tea and munching chocolate coins as I don’t want him in my room and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be there, so that’s a tradition I can still uphold which is great as it’s one my parents did with me and one I love.

Also on Mr B’s suggestion my girls and I will be spending Christmas day and night at my parents, while he will go to his Mum’s.   My plan was that I would have them for Christmas dinner then take them over to his Mum’s for Christmas night.  I wanted him to see them Christmas day too, I wanted to be fair, even though the idea made me wince.  But before I could put this to him he made my day and truly surprised me when he acknowledged that E and M would want to be with their cousins and my family on Christmas day.  He put them first, and I am so relieved and touched by this.

When I received an email about John Lewis’s project of gathering together Rules for a Perfect Family Christmas, I kind of ignored it.  It scared me, in that our Christmas is going to be different this year, but you know, Mr B kind of upheld the most important rule there is to be honest.

“Put the children first.”

They’re little for such a very short time, and Christmas memories are so so important.  While I can deliver all the other traditions:

• Christmas Decorations go up on December First
• Each child chooses a new decoration to buy each year
• Carrots for Rudolph, Port and a Mince Pie for Satna
• Stocking in bed with Mummy, then downstairs to see if Santa’s been
• Baileys on ice and Bucks Fizz while helping Granny cook dinner
• Prezzie opening with cousins ME, Little J, Granny, Grandad, Uncle Dave and Auntie Helly, Uncle Steve and Auntie Sarah, Uncle Daren and Auntie Claire
• Christmas dinner with all the trimmings
• Time to play, christmas CD’s on the stereo, Trivial Pursuit, board games, wii while Grandad snoozes

It still took us both to remember the most important one.

Sorry if this is a bit sickly, but it’s all I’ve got.  I will be looking forward to seeing what John Lewis come up with though, and then maybe I can spend the vouchers we get on building some new traditions into my girls lives.

Almost perfect.

Perfect.  Sighhhhhhhh.

This is where Miss E and M see Santa each year and have their photo taken. Today Miss E clambered onto Santa’s knee and reeled off a list of ‘wants’ (not too long a list thank Bob), but Miss M peered from behind me but chose to hold her sister’s hand in the photo rather than going near the funny man in red. She was really quite worried but I think she’ll be ok with him bringing her prezzies.

Whenever I visit this place it always gets me thinking.  I mean, these kids are just like my kids.  They were wanted, they were born, their parents are no different to me and Mr B, but for some reason they and their families were given this load to bear, this pain, this fear, this loss, and it always gets me thinking about all the people out there who are having, well frankly a bit of a shit time.  I know I don’t normally swear here but I think that’s the right word.

I got an email this week from a lady called Tessa Cuniffe asking me to remind parents out there about this;

She says:

I’m working on behalf of Pampers who have teamed up with UNICEF in a bid to eliminate maternal and newborn tetanus by 2012. This may be something your readers might be interested in…

It’s a great campaign and has a really worthwhile and achievable goal. It encourages mums, dads and families or anyone who can to host small events in support of the campaign.

Earlier this month Salma Hayek officially launched the ‘1 pack = I vaccine’ campaign, whereby every pack of Pampers nappies bought in the UK means that the funding for a vaccine against tetanus is donated to UNICEF.

The campaign involves a regional fundraising drive and encouraging people to host events all across the UK like bring and buy sales, fun runs or coffee mornings, with proceeds going towards tetanus vaccines. BIG or small, it all helps make a difference! Pampers will also visit eight regional events and match the amounts raised by the top event.

Perhaps you could help us by encouraging others to get involved or providing a link to the website. Even talking about it will help the cause. Pampers has produced special fundraising packs for people to order to be posted to them, people can call 0207 395 7133 to request a pack. The idea is to encourage bake sales or non uniform days…in short anything that could raise money for the cause and help eliminate tetanus faster.

For more information or fundraising ideas please or get in touch or visit www.pampers.co.uk and click on the banner to learn more and take part.

And talking of starting, Christmas seems to be almost upon us and the very annoying and yet irresistible singing soft toy wars have begun.  I would like to share this one with you as it made me ’snort’ and Miss E got some perfectly timed leg movements in there.

Look, see;

Sighhhh, I am so proud.