I’m not going to give you the full run down of the day yet as I couldn’t do it justice in my fragile state, but I just wanted to say that it was great, and a fab but tiring end to a weird and emotional weekend.

One of the rides we went on today made me realise what a sock in a washing machine might feel like, and that’s quite possibly the best way to describe my head right now. In a short few days I have said goodbye to my home, seen my husband move into his own place, watched one child dance and sing her heart out in a school production and watched the other zoom from place to place, her eyes filled with excitement, her sense of danger low, her attention to ‘Mummy trying to be in control’ almost zero, but her enthusiasm for the world exhilarating and hopeful and strangely rewarding as she has the courage to do things I would never do as a kid.

There’ve been moments of such joy that have almost been swallowed by the pure emotion and nervous energy that has got me through. Such as seeing Ju again (lunch tomorrow right? ;D), and spending precious few moments with my Auntie Frieda and cousin Harriet between house moving, watching Miss E, packing picnics.

I love to be busy, but this weekend has been a doozy and I feel relieved it is over and that we’ve all made it out the other side. I tend to be a person that sticks a smile on their face and gets on with it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am a bit of an open book in some ways, but while I have met some very lovely new people today who I hope I will meet again, part of me feels like I was almost a bystander, watching this smiling Jo try so hard to be liked and be ok and be interesting. As I drove home with two sleepy girls in the back I chatted to Rosie about this sense of detachment, of feeling a bit lost, a bit like a big kid. I suppose in all the struggle and battle of the last few months I’ve not actually taken much time to stop and look after myself and actually just slow down and take a few deep breaths.

I think I need to do that for a little while now. Learn to enjoy just being me. Learn to make time for my book, which I have barely picked up this year, but which a chat with Tara’s husband S has me itching to begin again. Learn to fill my days with a little more calm, or sometimes nothing at all.

I peeped at my two little girls a while ago. They’re both asleep, soft and dreaming. Someone said to me recently that I wasn’t really where I should be at 34. But I have my girls and I have my whole future ahead of me, so where I’m at is actually fine. I’m quite happy to hang around here a little bit longer, in fact I think it’s something I need to do.

Sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s kind of a bit of a self-talking-to really. And now I’m telling myself to go to bed.